full image - Repost: Disengaging Safely from a Borderline (from Reddit.com, Disengaging Safely from a Borderline)
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The following is a set of suggestions only and should not be relied on as comprehensive Safety Plan.Please seek specialist help from local resources wherever you are in the world, especially if children are involved.If at any time you feel that you are in immediate physical danger, call the police and get the hell out.So you have come to conclusion it is time to go.Good for you.ContemplationWhatever you do, say absolutely nothing about leaving. Business as usual. Don't withdraw, don't project, don't get drawn into arguments.Maintain the survival mode you've been in. There's something different at the core now though.That frightening, unfamiliar feeling is hope. You are valuing your future and worried it might not come.But it will.Now Game Face on, you have work to do.Phase 1 PrepareStart putting money aside now. Secret account, friends account, however you can. You need to have some financial resilience especially if you have kids and there are no shelters or family who can put you and your children up for a few weeks.Tell some trusted people, iron trusted people what is going on and that you are planning to leave. Your doctors, managers, family. You have to be absolutely clear with them why you are doing this, and absolutely sure of their support. Tell them to keep an ear out for your messages. If you can, document any evidence of your abuse and attempts to resolve them.Find free legal advice centres that deal individually with Domestic Violence Law and Family Law - this is often a step that gets skipped. Get legal advice on how to do this all safely and legally. They are not usually aligned either, stupidly.Consider if you want sole custody and things like that and find out how to do it yourself if you have to. These systems are designed to be a bit more accessible than things like criminal law and such, depending on where you are.Start looking for a place to get out to. If you have friends or family who know what you are going through who can help you get there that's the best. Second best is a short stay accommodation, hotels, etc then immediately start looking for long term options. If you are really stuck, consider getting in touch with any local shelters or hostels. If you have children, consider their safety and welfare first in every decision about accommodation.Don't leave without somewhere to go unless you are in immediate physical danger.Figure out when in the day you are most likely to be able to get away without raising any suspicion. Do you go to work every day? Do you have any standing appointments? If you can avoid relying on their routine you can dictate the immediate and short term action, but if it's your only opportunity then grab it with both hands.If the kids go to school or daycare, that can help with getting everything in place quickly. Consider letting them know about the situation. It is very possible that they've shared concerns about them, the trauma of being in the same house as the BPD can affect children very deeply. They may even have resources or suggestions that you may be able to access.Phase 2 - On the day of or in the days before.Pack and hide essentials that you can't let be destroyed or used against you to get you back into the vacuum. Clothes, paperwork, stuff you know you can grab and go with. If you think you can get some help moving from A to B bring bigger stuff but it's not worth it if not. If you have somewhere safe, store it.If getting out safely means that you leave without anything more than the clothes on yours and your children's back, do it.If you do have kids, try to stockpile their staples at least have 3 days worth of nappies, formula, clothes, snacks, dinner and something to keep them entertained. If you can't afford it or get an opportunity to get it this may be the point where contacting the police, child protection etc is necessary. Don't ever do anything that puts their welfare in jeopardy. The full force of the law in most places in the world will not look kindly on it, even if you are doing what you think is right.Driving them straight to a police station is preferable to living in your car without the essentials for them.If you have work, let them know that you will be taking some time off. If you have a good job and a supportive work place or manager, you might consider letting them know why. There might be some assistance available.Let your support network if you have one know that you are days/hours away from making your escape. Tell them your plan so they can check in with you or help, or notify authorities if something goes wrong.Phase 3 Go and don't stop.You maybe have your money, maybe a place to go, maybe your help and maybe your things. It doesn't matter what you have. Pick your moment and go.Don't stop moving for anything until you are ready and secure in your spot that you plan to stay at. Don't respond to any messages from your abuser or any of their friends for any reason. You are trying to get to safety for yourself and your children if they in the picture. They are not a part of safety.If you feel you have been abused financially, physically, emotionally you should report it to the police before you contact your abuser. They may also be able to make some referrals for support services and legal advice should you want it or need it.This is also another opportunity to contact the kids school, doctor, daycare, sports groups etc and let them know that they will be away for a few days maybe. You don't have to explain why, but it will give them peace of mind.Shut down your socials, block their numbers and run radio silence.Phase 3 - Final Transmission and RecoveryLet your abuser know that you have left, you will not be returning, and you will be using intermediaries for any further essential communication. If you have to talk, find a way to record it or have a third person listening.Block them everywhere.Prepare for the onslaught and do what you can to protect yourself and the kids from their untethered and boundless rage and desperation to drag you back into their Web of trauma.Find something to do to relax and unwind or disengage your brain.This is an incredibly difficult time and it will test your limits for pain and endurance. Keep the end goal in mind. A future without abuse.A future with hope.
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