full image - Repost: I don't know what to do (from Reddit.com, I don't know what to do)
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F(18) I've suspected I could have mild autism since middle school but let it go because no one said anything about it. For most of my life, I've been able to scrape by the "smart, quiet, and tender-hearted kid", and its been successful until this point. Even though I never fit in with my peers, at least one kid would "adopt me," and I would have a friend for the school year. Distinctly, I remember the first friends I ever made were kids who bullied me but felt bad because I was too oblivious to realize what was happening.This summer, I kind of want back to the idea that I could be on the spectrum because it's the only thing that makes any sense. I worked with kids my own age this summer and quickly realized how behind and removed I was socially. I can never get past the surface-level script I have developed so i won't be seen as rude. So, I was dismissed as weird but nice for most of the summer, and it made me feel so ostracized. Everyone else could have a conversation and keep it going, but I felt like I was fighting for my life to do the same. To the point I I started to mimick my other coworkers to feel remotely engaged.Now, I am at college, and I really don't know what to do. I realized when I was at home, I would pace, or drive, or sing a to cope with stress. Now that I am here, i cant do those things, so I just feel this build-up of feelings in me all the time and i don't know what to do with it so i just shut down or go to my car and cry.Every time I've tried to make friends, I've made people uncomfortable. I am so confused and distraught because for everyone else, existing seems so easy, but no matter what i do, I feel like I'm not doing it right. I bought new clothes; I do my make-up, I say please and thank you, I ask people how they're doing, I hold the door open, I follow the side-walk rules, I say excuse me, I smile at strangers, I count before I speak so I give people time to finish their thoughts, but I feel like it's not working and it's so stressful. I am at the point where I am ok with being alone , but I know if i do that, then I will struggle even more down the road.I can't get by here by being smart and surface-level nice. I have to be smart, good at small talk, engage in clubs, and develop networking skills. I'm having to learn a new set of rules all over again, and I am so tired, and I don't know what to do.I can't express this to my family because I did earlier this summer and I was dismissed as crazy. However, I feel like I've been trying way harder than most to be "normal" all my life and it sucks.
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