full image - Repost: I feel like a failure and I'm so tired of being tired (from Reddit.com, I feel like a failure and I'm so tired of being tired)
Mining:
Exchanges:
Donations:
This is a throwaway account because people in real life know my Reddit account.I got fired from my job three months ago and I can't stop feeling like a failure. For context, I have bad depression and anxiety (and some other issues with disassociation and food that can't be diagnosed or labelled) that I have struggled with for most of my life. Things took a turn for the worst when I was 17 and I was suicidal & self-harming, but now, years later I'm doing better than I was.I didn't think I would make it to 18 so I celebrate every year and every thing I've done since then. Despite what I was going through, I somehow managed to get into and graduate from one of the best universities in my country with a fancy degree, great grades, and few good internships under my belt. I was gunning for a prestigious full time job (think finance/consulting) after graduating, but COVID hit as I was recruiting for full time positions and I was just so dejected. I couldn't get myself to get out of bed and do anything, so I let a lot of opportunities pass me by, which I deeply regret. I was angry at myself for letting all the progress I made go to waste.Eventually, I was able to get a job that started right after I graduated in the field I wanted, but not with the most prestigious of company. I hated myself even more for that, because I had interviewed with all these top companies I wanted but had messed it up because of nerves/apathy. I told myself that it was okay, I would gain some experience and try for those jobs again later.Whether it was because of that (that my heart wasn't in it), or because I was still feeling dejected from the WFH environment (I don't do particularly well with that), or medical issues, or me just being a screw-up, or the company's culture, or any other number of reasons, I didn't do too hot performance review time and was let go a few months after. When I asked for feedback so I could figure out how to improve or what to fix, they told me I "wasn't at the level they expected from someone who had had my experience." Officially, they noted it as a layoff due to restructuring which is a saving grace because I don't have to say I'm fired.I decided to view this as a rare opportunity to work on myself, figure out what I want, and do things I wouldn't be able to do working full time. I had some money saved up so I travelled for a month, which was absolutely wonderful, but when I came back was when it all started to go downhill. I spent a week physically recovering from the travelling, a week being so upset and couldn't do anything, and another week doing the reflecting and ruminating piece before decided that this was just making things worse (it's really easy to go into a self-hate spiral when you're spending so much time thinking).Since then, I've spent the last three weeks networking & applying for jobs. I'm getting so dejected because I haven't been able to land any interviews, even though these are roles I did get interviews when I applied last year. I'm afraid employers and everyone else can see that I'm a fuck-up and that they shouldn't hire me.I keep trying to maintain a positive attitude and telling myself that it's only a bad mistake if I don't learn something from it & that this will all turn out okay and ultimately just be a small blip in the story of my life, but I'm so tired of thinking on the good side. I want to be angry and messy and mad, but I won't let myself do that because I know it won't lead to the best outcomes mental health wise. The only bit of anger I've been indulging in is getting mad at my past self for wasting so many opportunities and chances that most people don't get. I am so lucky in so many ways, but I apparently love to squander away my chances.I'm tired of going through so much internally. I'm tired of the daily spiral of finding and applying to jobs & doing interview prep for a job offer that never comes. Since I lost my job I don't have my health insurance so I can't go to therapy anymore. I have been trying to keep myself sane by journalling heavily, working out, surrounding myself with friends, engaging in my hobbies, and working on myself (studying for the GRE & a language fluency test), volunteering (part helping the community but also transparently part resume building), but it's not working.I'm just so tired and frustrated. I feel like this is all for naught because even if I get a job, what's going to prevent me from making the same mistakes at the new one? I'm still the same fuck-up me, even if I'm at a new job.Idk, I just feel like such a failure and I'm so tired of being me, but I don't know what else to do. I can't really tell anyone this because they all just give me platitudes about how I'm amazing and things will be okay, which they have no way of knowing.I just want things to be okay, but I don't know if that's ever going to be a possibility for me.Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.
Social Media Icons