full image - Repost: As I get older, I have a harder time feeling less alone. (from Reddit.com, As I get older, I have a harder time feeling less alone.)
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I (30f) always had problems socializing.Talking to people and making friends is a weakness.If we want to chalk it up to my upbringing, the helicopter parent who insulted my friends, my very being, and how I wanted to be, sure. Or the abusive relationship I was in when I was 19, where the guy literally alienated me from friends and family until I broke free from his shit. But years later, the healthier relationship, the somewhat stable life, I should have a better time with this, right? I used to have client-facing jobs that I loathed and met some nice people from previous jobs, but they never stuck as being “friends.” We’re on Instagram and occasionally like each other's posts on LinkedIn. That’s as close as we get.I work remotely now, so “socializing” is the random post that’s put up on a Slack channel that we comment on a little bit. I’m finishing up my college year after being in it for 10, and I don’t socialize there. I used to try, but it isn’t easy with the age differences and interests, so I keep to myself. Anytime I need to do some form of socialization, I sigh internally because it’s so hard. I know no one cares what I say, so I keep it short and sweet. I learned this when I spoke passionately about something and was bulldozed and ignored. I used this as a test, and after a while, it set in that it was true in more than one instance, not just in college. My significant other and I have a group he’s had for a while, but they’re mainly acquaintances now. Lives and interests have changed, so he and I are excluded from things and only invited to the big get-togethers once or twice a year. We don’t have children, and we constantly have to shell out money to repair things, so we’re not able to do much in general. I’ve tried reaching out to get things started with people in this group, but it’s fallen through quite a bit that I feel like the awkward kid in a crowded room raising their hand, and no one’s listening. I realized recently there’s nothing to build there so I won’t be taking that approach again. Honestly, I feel like it’s something wrong with me, and I feel like shit trying to figure out what it is.I’m able to be out in public and do things. I can go to the store, talk when needed, and be around people. There’s no problem there. I am actually very *very* good at this. At large get-togethers or times, I have needed to interact. I use my customer service voice and personality. Exhausting, but it works every time. Am I pretending? Mostly, yes. The real me is too weird and awkward. It’s why my significant other and I work so well. I never cease to amaze him, make him laugh, or have moments together. But during the interactions I mentioned internally, I treat it as a momentary transaction, not a passionate conversation. It’s like when you talk about the weather or how someone’s doing at their job. I will admit that I am just listening about 90% of the time. I only talk more if I get enough alcohol right before the peak when I get sleepy.What I don’t understand is how people my age, even older or younger, can go out on Friday nights with friends, do things on the weekends, being with other people. There was a sliver of time when this was a thing in my life.There isn’t anything wrong with it, just being my significant other and I, but it’s days like this where I have a terrible day and feel like I need to vent; I have no one to talk to. I already burden him enough. I really do. I have a therapist. I'll see her on Friday. I don’t have the ability to reschedule because of the conflicts. Part of me wishes I just had another person so I could go to them and, just for a moment, not feel like this. I feel alone so often; it’s alarming.I understand wholeheartedly that people have lives. I do. I have two jobs, and I’m finally finishing college. Time’s hard to get things together. But my greatest fear stares at me on the calendar. I finish college in two weeks and will have no reason to leave the house other than the necessities that require little to no human interaction. I intend to force myself out of the house and attend large business gatherings (with the help of a network connection who is willing to come with me), but it’ll be for work when I can and not very often. I also intend to find another part-time job, one that requires going out in public. I work part-time with the current one, and I make more than enough money than what I’d be paid anywhere else, so I can absolutely say I will not be quitting that job for that very reason.While what I am feeling isn't necessarily new, it's taking a toll on my significant other. He won't say it, but I see it, and it is truly getting worse. This loneliness started before the pandemic, before the community college and university shift, and before I even fathomed working from home. I’m hoping that when this college segment of my life ends, and I turn to some form of normalcy, this will ease.
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