full image - Repost: I hurt my partner and they see me as threatening (from Reddit.com, I hurt my partner and they see me as threatening)
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Hi, I've been a lurker for a bit but just joined. I'm a white trans guy dating a biracial (white/Mexican) person. I recently had a conversation with my partner that I'm having trouble processing and am looking for some lived experience, advice, whatever you think is appropriate.For a bit of background, my partner and I both engage in light organizing/activism work/community-building together. We have the same values and politics. We're both queer and have talked about all the intersections of that with other things like race, class, presentation, etc. It doesn't mean we haven't had plenty of moments together where I've had to really examine my whiteness in new lights and apologize. We talked about these instances and I take improving myself very seriously. They tell me they appreciate this quality about me - that I listen and take feedback to heart and actually make changes. But it doesn't mean I don't fuck up and cause harm in the first place.Yesterday, they said we needed to talk and asked me why I haven't checked in with them about how they're doing, because there's a lot of fucked shit happening in Texas right now with the Mexican border. I try to keep up with news as it happens, but I work 40+ hour weeks and have been stressed about an upcoming surgery. I told them that I've absolutely been too self-centered lately, that they have every right to be angry with me and that my self-centered attitude these past few weeks have absolutely been a manifestation of my whiteness and the fact that I don't HAVE to think about certain things with the same urgency, because I'm not worried about my own family getting deported. I checked in with them once after they expressed their stress to a mutual friend, but I had somehow missed EVERY piece of recent news on Texas and wasn't quite aware of why there was a renewed, acute anxiety. I'm not proud of this. I immediately dove into reading, but the damage was done. I told them that I'll do better and keep up better/check in with them more/decenter myself in our conversations more intentionally, making space for their heightened stress.These things are no problem. I feel awful that they haven't been able to bring it up to me, that I didn't know, that they've been not only scared but seething with resentment towards me. They don't have a network of people to lean on - even their family doesn't really want to talk about it. But the one thing that stuck with me was when they told me "When I look at you, all I see is a fucking white boy. I see you as a threat." I acknowleged that with my lack of thoughtfulness and care this makes sense. But then I asked them if they feel that way often, and according to them, they feel that way all the time and it just got worse when I didn't reach out to them.This is what spiraled me. And I know I need to radically show up for them right now - I told them that I'm here but it's not entirely true because I feel disconnected from my body. I don't know how to hold the kind of space they deserve from me when I'm so upset. We live together, we're best friends. We sleep in the same bed. But they see me as a threat, regardless of whether or not we're in active conflict. They'e told me that if this relationship opens and we both date other people, they don't think they'd date another white person again. Plenty of POC don't date white folks, and it makes perfect sense to me, but it's not my job to bring that up to them.Any advice is welcome. Call me out. I'm just having trouble moving forward right now, and I don't want to stay stuck in this mental space, because then my partner isn't getting the embodied support they deserve. Then it's about me. But I feel like a husk.
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