full image - Repost: Desperately need guidance (from Reddit.com, Desperately need guidance)
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Hi, first time posting here and I'm in a very tough situation where my mental health is spiraling and I need some guidance since I don't have many people in my life to help me make decisions.I've had mental health issues (major depression, anxiety, social anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc) for over a decade. When I adopted my dog 13 months ago I was in a good place in life and mentally felt stable, but over the past year I have slowly spiraled back into a dark depression and I honestly hope for death constantly in my current life. I know I can't hurt myself because of my dog though, the unknown for him scares me. My dog has been in fights and has bitten someone before (there's a police report), and due to this my anxiety has gotten way worse; I'm not the confident owner that my dog needs - I wince when I see other dogs nearby and tense up, and I'm sure he has picked up on this and this is contributing to his reactivity. When he sees dogs on leash, he just gets excited and wants to pull toward them (not aggressively) but if the other dog shows any threat (growl, bark, etc), then my dog will panic and start barking and spinning on the leash. We no longer go to parks because of the willingness to fight other dogs, so he just seems starved for attention from other dogs now that I keep him separated from them. He is fine with most dogs but if a fight ensues it is scary and thus not worth even a slight risk. I have paid for trainers but I myself am not keeping up with the training as of the last 3 months (which have been very dark for me) - any free time I spend laying down with horrible thoughts, or asleep and not training my dog and it has started to show, as he no longer redirects his attention to me when we see other dogs and this is causing me so much stress... yet I know that I am the problem and I hold the power to work on things, but my brain is on pessimism overload and I tell myself I can't handle anything. So I just get upset and angry with myself and thus the issue continues to worsen. Lately he seems like a ball of wound up nerves, and that's probably because of how little activity i have the energy for outside of my 8hr workdays on my feet. This only makes the reactivity worse, of course. The latest trainer told me i need to be the alpha but that is just not a role I have ever taken on with confidence - I feel like a fraud pretending to be the alpha. I have always been a weak person and really thought things were looking up in my late 20s... but this is a lifelong cycle apparently (my mother is very mentally ill so it runs in the family, compounded with several traumas I experienced in childhood that led me to such a distressed state.Growing up, my dad used to take his anger out on our family dog, and I see myself showing similar lack of control and I don't know how to talk to anyone because I'm ashamed of who I am. I have a therapist and am on an SSRI for what it's worth... still building up the dosage slowly on the SSRI.I've been trying to rehome my dog but it's taking awhile because of the crisis lately with so many dogs at shelters and so few adoptions it seems. A rescue is helping network him but as a whole they're having difficulty finding fosters for any of their dogs. It's been several months and I had originally given this a month-long lead time and have since added 2 months and counting while I wait for a foster. He originally came from the ACC, and while I do not want him to go back to such circumstances, it's feeling like my only option. I know it's unfair to the shelter as well since they're so over capacity, but I don't know what else to do as fostering is just a long waiting game now (probably made worse with the bite history realistically). I cannot afford a behavior vet where I live (crazy crazy expensive) and I feel ashamed to ask my veterinarian about behavioral euthanasia as an option. I don't know what to do. He is a fine dog with great potential if his owner would invest the energy that I'm currently lacking. I feel like I am failing this poor being and he deserves to love life, but we both live such isolated lives due to my fears over his interactions and how scary a fight can be. All I know is I would feel such relief to remove this responsibility & subsequent stress from my plate, and that I am no longer fit to be a dog owner, especially to a dog that needs such rehab and maintenance, and that he could have so much better with someone else. But that someone else isn't working out. And the ACC could technically euthanize if there's no traction for adoption (I spoke to an ACC rep about the circumstances surrounding the bite and they agree it was in self defense although it is a bite no matter what. When I adopted I had no idea he would have behavior issues as the ACC's assessment showed no sign of issues - if I had known I certainly would've waited to adopt.My sibling is sick of me panicking over this and sick of me asking all the time what I should do. Some days I wake up and think "it's been too long I have to surrender to ACC" and other days I wake up thinking I can keep pushing a little longer and maybe something worthwhile will come along. But it's so open-ended at this point. I am planning to move before the end of the year too, and not knowing whether or not i'lll have my dog moving with me is making decision making even more difficult, confusing, and discouraging.All in all, I want what's best for my dog, and I don't feel like I am fit to rehabilitate and care for him, let alone myself at this point. I feel like I'm a going sharply downhill and he's going down with me, and instead of using that to motivate me to seek improvement, I instead am further distressed by life and just wish to abandon it altogether. I don't want to be a failure, but I especially don't want to be a failure whose actions harm another innocent being's quality of life. I just need to exist in an isolated/hermit state where I don't spread my sad energy.... I'm at a point where I feel like living with me versus at the ACC could be comparably under-stimulating and miserable for him. But I don't want to send him to Hell (ACC) just so I can find some peace and escape my own Hell. It's not fair. It will make me feel miserable in the long run due to the guilt over not knowing if things went great or poorly for him, and chances seem to be that it would go poorly. I just wish and pray for a foster so I can be sure he's on track to finding a home he deserves.Any guidance is so appreciated. Thank you for reading, I'm sorry if my words are distressing. I want so desperately to spread good feelings to others.
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