full image - Repost: Heart Broken/ Abusive Girlfriend (from Reddit.com, Heart Broken/ Abusive Girlfriend)
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Here is my story:Back in Dec 2021 my relationship of 13+ years ended. My then boyfriend and I had been together since high school (2008). We had many ups and downs throughout the years that we were together. Towards the end of the relationship I knew that we were both distant I just didn’t know how much. 2021 Thanksgiving week I left for a trip to Mexico which he also took a trip to Florida for a cigar convention he had mentioned to me about months ago. I didn’t make anything out of it. I had always begged him for us to do more stuff like traveling together but he never really wanted to. So we both leave on our trips and come back like nothing. Throughout the trip there was barely any communication he would tell me that he was in his cigar seminar and learning and networking with many cigar companies. When he got home the next several days I noticed he was acting weird and more distance. I decided to sit down and talk to him. I told him we need to talk. I can already tell that he was nervous. I asked him what is going on. What happened during your trip? He told me that this trip had opened his eyes and he realized a lot things he hadn’t before. He said that for the first time he only had to think about him and only what he wanted. I didn’t know what that meant. He started to cry, I was so confused and hurt. He said he didn’t know what he wanted and that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. That he needed time to think of things between us. What I understood from what he said was that he had found himself during this trip and wanted to be on his own to explore his new found freedom. I asked him do you still want to be together and he said he didn’t know, that he wasn’t sure. He had no idea what he wanted. That night I left the house that we both had lived there for the past 10+ years. I had no idea what was going on. That day my heart broke into a million pieces. He told me many times that I didn’t have to leave but in my mind why would I be in a place where I am not wanted. I though by me living it would give him time to think and come to his senses. I guess I was thinking that we could work things out or come to an agreement. A couple days later I told him that I needed to pick up more of my things from our house. During this time when I arrived he was working. I went into the house like usual. I noticed that our dog had gone through the trash. In the trash I noticed a box from Pandora. I thought to myself oh he wants to work things out he bought me something or he bought his mom a Christmas gift. I started to pack up my things and I could not get that Pandora box out of my head. I remembered that he usually left his laptop in the kitchen and it was still there. I decided to go through it. I went to his email and found the receipt for Pandora. He had bought a ring size 5. My ring size is 8. I started to go further down his emails and noticed many other purchases from Etsy like a ring holder with a date of 12-29-2020 a cigar seminar itinerary. I did not know what to think or do. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I just literally cried nonstop. This is the day I officially died. My whole world had just ended. I kept digging and more stuff I found came up. I went into his pictures that he had synced together on his phone and found more things. I was just in shock of everything I found. Photos and videos of people. Pictures of letters that he had written to her. Screenshots of messages between many other girls. He had been living a double life for the past 3 year maybe even longer who knows. I called him and confronted him about it. He told me that I had no right to go through his things that those are his personal belongings. He was only upset that he got caught. It was a lot of stuff that we had said to each other. He also brought one thing up that I had done in the past. I had been unfaithful to him a couple years prior. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know that he knew that. I thought that for the longest time my secret had been hidden. I know what I did was wrong and I regret it every single day. I continued to go with life as if nothing had happened. I just wanted my mistake to go away. Like I mentioned earlier we had lots of ups and downs in our relationship. I will admit that I am wrong. I did a horrible thing. I betrayed him and everything we had. I took everything for granted. I will never justify my actions, its wrong overall. We stopped talking for about a week. I was in constant pain from everything that I found out. I think I called him a week later so we can talk. Regardless of everything that had happened I still wanted him in my life. How can I stop talking to a person that I had talked to, lived with for the past 13+ years. I couldn’t warp my head around that. We had many conversations about how we felt and what happed between us. Some of the many things he would always bring up was that I left him behind. That I would never listen to anything he had to say. That I never cared about his feelings. I didn’t care or was interested on what he was into or liked. That we were roommates living together. He pretty much told me everything he felt. I never saw that I was doing this to him. I never thought that I was pushing him away. Trust me when I say that I am not an easy person to live with and he did put up with a lot and I do thank him for that. For many years he felt unwanted, unheard, not loved, forgotten, lost and just overall worthless. He told every time we would argue he wouldn’t say anything that he would just keep quite so we would stop arguing. That my continued yelling and arguments was a daily struggle to live with but he put up with it because he loved me and he cared more about me than himself. He always says that I tool everything he ever game for granted and honestly yes I did. I did not know how good of a relationship we had. Yes everyone has good and bad times but they always work it out. In this case he was the only one trying he was the one keeping this relationship alive. I felt myself being more distant when he wasn’t motivated to go look for work. I wanted him to take charge. I wanted him to be the best that he could be. I was constantly working a lot to pay the bills. I felt a lot of pressure to have the heavy load of the head of the house. He did help out pay some things. I’m not discrediting what he did contribute to that. Even though he says that it was never enough for me. I just wanted to be caught up on bills and for once go out and have fun. It was always work and work. My main focus was paying the bills. One thing that kills me when every time I remember is that he said that he didn’t care if we were homeless it didn’t matter where we were or all the money we had all he wanted was me. Just me nothing else. I though by showing him that I was taking care of the bills that was me showing him how much I cared for him and loved him. I just got lost in my work and was so focused on getting out of the debt hole that we were in. Things continued weird between us. I didn’t know what we were. He was still seeing this other woman. He continued to go visit her 3 more times. I soon found out that he had proposed to her. He wanted to marry her. He was so happy that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. When I found this out I was destroyed. From Dec 2021 to Sep 2022 we continued to stay in contact. They broke up in March 2022 and now got back together in August supposedly. I have not been able to fully detach myself from this situation. I feel that there is so much history that connects us. We grew up together. We were together for over a decade. Yes, I also know I have no respect for myself or self-love to still be in the same situation. I have found out some much that he has done behind my back and in front of my face. He has lost all respect for me because I have allowed it too. It’s been really hard to move on from this. There is so much I have left out but this is enough said. I know and I acknowledge that I was an abusive girlfriend. I never wanted to be that way. I didn’t see myself doing this to him. How could I hurt the one person I love so much for so long. I know the best thing to do is to let him go and let him be happy and let him heal. I also need to heel from everything. I wish things where easier but they are not. He is back with her and I am still there begging for his attention. Telling him to stop hurting me with his actions when he truly doesn’t care anymore. I have turned him into a monster. I know things will never be the same. I will never be able to trust him. He doesn't care about anything only about himself. It hurts to see this side of him when I thought I knew the real person. It is my fault for doing what I did to him. I want to heal and be a better person overall..will I ever be ok? I also want him to be ok.
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