full image - Repost: Discussion: What phase of deconversion/the recovery process are y’all in? (Excerpt from “Leaving the Fold” included) (from Reddit.com, Discussion: What phase of deconversion/the recovery process are y’all in? (Excerpt from “Leaving the Fold” included))
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I left the church a decade ago, but am still struggling in some significant ways. I’ve been reading Leaving the Fold in an attempt to make sense of how to have a more productive recovery process. It offers an overview of the “phases of recovery,” and I’d love to hear how these phases have applied to others’ journeys.I think I’ve been stuck in the Avoidance phase for a while now.Excerpt from the book:“Ch 1: The Recovery Process Breaking away from your faith has had an impact on your life, and probably a profound one. You may be feeling confused, guilty, empty, or bitter. You may be depressed about life or scared of the future. Perhaps you have trouble connecting with other people and life “in the world.” You are not alone in your experience. Many, many others have been through this and gone on to reconstruct their lives in meaningful and satisfying ways. While the experience of losing your religion is often painful and confusing at first, there is much to be learned and ultimately a profound maturity to be gained. This book can provide some assistance in your recovery by clarifying the issues involved, offering ideas for healing, and suggesting directions for further growth. In general, leaving a cherished faith is much like the end of a marriage. The symptoms of separation are quite similar — grief, anger, guilt, depression, lowered self-esteem, and social isolation. But whereas help for divorced people is readily available, little if any assistance is available to help you to leave your religion. The familiar sources of church support are no longer there, and family members still in the fold may actually shun you. Secular friends and even therapists may not understand what you have been through. Part of the difficulty is the anxiety, the terror you may feel about having to go it alone. After having been born again, leaving your faith can feel like being lost again. There are many issues to work through — thoughts and feelings to process, new friends to make, new beliefs to nurture, and new ways to live. Because your religion took care of so much, defining and dictating reality in so many ways, you are now faced with largely reconstructing your life. Recovery begins with deciding to take that responsibility. This may seem overwhelming, but the benefits are indisputable. You get your life back on your terms. Indeed, the journey out can be thrilling as old fears and doubts give way to new and healthy possibilities.Phases of Recovery People seem to go through phases in their recovery from rigid religion, just as other life changes have typical sequences. This particular change goes deeper than many others and touches on all aspects of a person’s life. The following sections offer a very general outline of the recovery pattern that I have observed and facilitated in clients:SeparationConfusionAvoidanceFeelingRebuildingThese are not discrete stages in the formal sense. There is considerable overlap between them and a person may be in more than one phase at a time. However, the overall pattern may help you understand where you have been, where you are now, and what you can expect in the future.Phase 1: SeparationBefore leaving, there is usually comfort from being “in the fold.” Whether you were raised in the church or joined later, there was a time when things were at least okay. Some people report great satisfaction when describing their religious participation: values were affirmed and emotional needs were met; their belief system felt intellectually congruent. Other people describe less identification or less intense involvement, but some contentment nonetheless. But then questions and doubts arise, perhaps gradually. Bits of new information become harder to integrate and new life experiences do not fit with standard dogma. It can feel unsettling when it seems that promises are not being fulfilled or that unexpected problems are occurring. That is, there are fewer pluses and more minuses. Your faith feels like a tapestry coming apart. Many believers strive to continue being faithful, using denial, rationalization, or greater effort to be “victorious Christians,” for example. Finally, it just becomes too much. Some people will make a sudden break, perhaps after a “last straw” experience. Others will struggle for a long time and only gradually let go. In trying to make sense of your doubts and fears, you might try to get help from church leaders, only to find that they don’t want to hear you; it triggers their own fears. Over time, you may notice your attendance at church dropping; you might experiment with other churches, read the Bible less, pray less, and finally come to view yourself differently any longer as a member of the “body.” The leaving can range from the traumatic to what seems relatively easy. Nonetheless, deep changes are occurring.Phase 2: Confusion Whether sudden or gradual, breaking away usually creates a state of serious confusion. This can be a major upheaval because your religion essentially defined your entire structure of reality and your old definitions no longer hold. Notions of who you were, your purpose in life, your relationship to others; needed explanations about the world; interpretations of the past; expectations for the future; and directions about how to feel, think, make decisions, and lead your life have been lost. Letting go of such a massive structure can leave you feeling totally adrift. The sense of existential angst can be intense as you struggle to get a new foothold on life. You are starting over from scratch on all the basic questions about life. Many people in this phase feel like a naive child in an adult world. Moreover, the fears instilled by the religion itself can produce additional anxiety. You were taught that if you did not believe you would go to hell. So it makes great sense if you have been nervous and scared about leaving. There may be times of near panic, when you wonder whether you’ve made a terrible mistake and will be forever damned. You might have trouble with intense feelings in this phase because you have been taught to interpret them as “conviction of the Holy Spirit.” Sometimes people in this phase wonder if it wouldn’t be simpler and safer to just “get right with God,” and return to church. However, such returns rarely last. But the experience of leaving can also be liberating, like breaking out of prison. If you feel oppressed by all the formulas and judgments, the rules and regulations, you might now feel a great relief, able to think and feel and experience much more of yourself. Some people describe a wonderful, almost euphoric, feeling of “coming home” when they settle in to the notion of just being alive and living life now, in this world. They see the world as a friendly place for a change, like a newly discovered candy store, with so much to offer. There can be a glorious excitement about taking charge of your own life. Since leaving, I’ve changed how I think. I was stuck in a dualistic way of thinking. My world now seems filled with infinite possibilities. “When I first left the church, I felt this weight being lifted from my shoulders. Freedom to be me is probably the most positive benefit.” — RichardPhase 3: Avoidance The next phase amounts to a kind of moratorium on religion and spirituality. Many people do not attend any church whatsoever and do not want to even discuss the concept of a God. They want to distance themselves from church to deny previous involvement. Those who feel they have been abused by their religious experiences may also avoid any contact with church members or even church buildings. A number of people have trouble participating in organizations of other kinds as well, in political or social groups, for example. These patterns of avoidance and numbness seem to be methods of self-protection. From the perspective of an outside observer, this phase may look like “throwing the baby out with the bathwater,” but it appears to be an essential part of the recovery process. To make a real break, you need to call a halt to life as you once knew it and create some space and new direction for yourself.Phase 4: Feeling After a while, intense but mixed feelings tend to emerge. This can be a chaotic period. Most people experience some amount of anger. You might feel like an angry child losing Santa Claus. In thinking over the time spent being faithful, there can be rage over the damage done — life lost, negative self-image, ignorance about the world and real life, guilt and suffering, denial of pleasures, missing skills, hurt relationships, spoiled careers. If you have parents who used religion to justify severe discipline, or if you suffered actual abuse at the hands of church leaders, you could be very angry. While some people find ways to express themselves during this phase, most wonder what to do with all their anger. Because of what you’ve been taught, you might think that you should simply forgive and forget rather than accept these feelings as legitimate. The rage may then go underground and stay with you. Bottled up emotions like these can leave you feeling hopeless, helpless, anxious, and depressed. As you progress out of the avoidance phase, the other major feeling you will likely experience is grief. You really have had multiple losses. Uncovering and grieving these losses will be key to releasing you from your pain. This process is akin to recovering from the death of a loved one. As described by Carol Staudacher (1987), this usually includes shock, disorganization, and reorganization. The loss of relationship with God can feel devastating, as though your parents have died; you no longer have a Heavenly Father. If you were deeply involved in a personal relationship with Jesus, you have also lost a best friend and lover. Added to this is the guilt of leaving and fears about what you did to cause the breakup. You might also be afraid that no one else will ever love you like that again. Yet going back seems impossible, and that makes the whole process all the more agonizing.Phase 5: Rebuilding Fortunately healing can occur. You can work through your pain and allow your inner strengths to emerge. In the rebuilding phase, people re-discover their self-worth. They rejoin life on a different basis. Perceptions and beliefs are reconstructed. You too can find new principles to live by and new meaning for your life. Some of your values may remain the same, but you sort through what you have been taught and keep what is valuable. You learn anew to do things from choice. As you rebuild your sense of self, you become clearer about who you really are. You can respect your own thoughts and feelings and make decisions more confidently. For example, you might still believe that “love one another” is an important guideline for your life. On the other hand,”be here now” might also become important to you, and different from what you have been taught. As you exercise your freedom and ability to create your own life, a sense of empowerment evolves that can feel exhilarating. You can now take full responsibility for yourself and enjoy the process. Your confidence grows as you address the many areas of life that need your creative energy — career, family, friendships, finances, recreation, and so on. You will need to rebuild your social network. Personal relationships will be different in important ways. You might want a new place for spirituality in your life. Your approach to parenting your own children may need to be rethought.”
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