full image - Repost: I'm starting therapy and I have mixed feelings (from Reddit.com, I'm starting therapy and I have mixed feelings)
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Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here, and I guess this is the appropriate sub since you guys seem to be more advanced recovery wise.Just some background, although you can also check my post history on reddit, I suffered a lot of abuse growing up, mainly emotional and psychological with religious abuse heavily on the mix. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens, I've been medicated and even saw a therapist for a time, but the progress I've made was possible through research about CPTSD and parental abuse.Last year was rough. I was finally in a good place mentally, so I went back to school to get my PhD, even though it put some financial stress in my family life, but everything was going great. That until the holidays and my mother trying to break NC after 10 years. I'm not going into details, but everything went to shit from there, then summer came and I got covid, and its effects lasted for about 8 months. I had a nervous breakdown and burnout, but I asked for help to my primary doctor. I've been seeing a psychiatrist since october, but since public health in my country is a mess I only get to see her once every two months, more or less. I like her a lot, and I've been back on antidepressants since January, she prescribed me fluvoxamine and so far no negative reactions, but she warned me that this is not enough, and that I need a proper therapist, although she knows that it could be years before a therapist in the public network becomes available and even then they might not have enough time to give me proper treatment.So I got a new source of income and I'm now able to get therapy in the private sector. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist to see if I needed to adjust my meds, and I asked if she had any recommendations. She had some, but then she said that the places she recommended focused more on CBT and that may not be beneficial for me. Her opinion is that I need to dig deep into the trauma in order to process it and only then, if necessary, should I seek CBT, so she advised me to look for a therapist that did psychoanalysis or analytical psychology. I followed her advice and found a therapist within the price range I can afford and I'll have my first appointment on Friday.Here's the thing though, I knew I needed therapy, I want to do it, but I don't know, I've always imagined it would happen once I had more stability, I guess? The thing is, it's like I've been putting things inside a box in order to not deal with them because I have more pressing things to do, and I guess now I'm kind of afraid of what will happen once I open that box, if I will be able to continue to function properly (even though I don't consider how I live to be completely functional).Another thing, the last time I did therapy it didn't go so great, as the therapist silenced me every time I tried to talk about my childhood and she was only interested in dealing with the anxiety issues at that moment in time.Idk, I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all that's going on in my life right now, and I know that therapy is the right move, I just feel scared, I guess? And I keep wondering if this is normal, so maybe I'm just looking for some validation or just some experiences from someone who actually took the step I'm about to take.Sorry for the long post, it got kind of ranty. And sorry for any typos and mistakes, English is not my first language, and I'm really sluggish today...
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