full image - Repost: I have everything to be happy, but I tried to kill myself last week (from Reddit.com, I have everything to be happy, but I tried to kill myself last week)
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I don't yet know if my story is worth telling, I think I just need to free myself of a weight, and finally express myself on this. I'm writing this text as I go along, I don't know yet if it's going to be long, so if at any point I seem to be repeating myself or if certain parts seem messy, I'm sorry. Right now I'm 25M, I'm a nurse on a surgical unit and I really enjoy my job. Helping people has always been something I wanted to do. Still, I'm a rather introverted person, I keep my problems to myself, because I figure other people have their own problems to deal with too.It's strange to say, but from the moment I started to get into higher education, right through to working life, I can't remember a time when I felt happy. Yet I have a good network of friends. I'm relatively well surrounded. I'd like to be able to explain why I'm not happy, but I can't. It seems like every time I try to find material reasons. Yet when I look back at my situation, I find that I should be happy. I have a good job at the hospital and my work interests me a lot. I moved into my own house 3 years ago. Even lately I've been working a lot of overtime at work, l've been able to save money, and I bought a car l've always dreamed of owning, a C7 corvette. But even with that, I find that the pleasure I sometimes feel is artificial.I've never been in a relationship, and my friends think that if I met someone it would help me a lot.I'm not against the idea, but you don't meet people by magic, especially when you're introverted. But when it comes down to it, what proof do I have that if I were in a relationship with someone, l'd be any less unhappy? After that, it's true that the period when I started to feel like that coincided with the period when all my friends, both boys and girls, started to be in relationships. This put indirect pressure on my biological clock, as if to say okay, it's about time.I regularly get teased about it by my family (especially my uncle). At first it might have been mildly funny, but when you've been getting the same jokes over and over for years, it starts to affect you more than you realize. I began to hate them for it. It may seem insignificant, but when every time you see them they put you down in front of everyone, they become hard to like. Even my parents often say the famous phrase "So, still no girlfriend? When are you going to get one? I usually just ignore it. I feel guilty in a way, because I know there are lots of people out there with much harder lives and much bigger problems. That's why I feel I have no right to complain about my situation.The rest I'm going to tell, I haven't told anyone yet, I've kept to myself what happened at the end of the evening.Last week I was invited to my uncle's birthday party.I didn't want to go, but my parents insisted and I finally gave in. When I arrived, of course, my whole family was there. But among them was a cousin of mine whom I hadn't seen for a long time, and his wife (whom l'd never seen in person before). It was a pleasure to see him again. Of course, my respite didn't last long, as my cousin and his wife expressed their desire to have a child together (I should point out that my cousin and I are the same age). My uncle seized the opportunity to say to me,"You see, he's going to start a family, while you're wasting your time", and I did my best to express no emotion. Naturally, my cousin's wife asked me if I was in a relationship, as she hadn't understood my uncle's comment. I tell her I'm not. And again I was mocked by everyone. I think what really cracked me up was when I saw her (my cousin's wife) look at me and start laughing.I got up without saying a word to anyone, and walked out. I'd never felt so humiliated; I felt a mixture of sadness and hatred. I got into the corvette and started driving, in huge rainstorm. I pulled away from the main roads, until I reached a deserted country road. At that point I just started accelerating again and again. I don't know how fast I was going, but for a good while I was going flat out.I couldn't see anything because of the rain on the windscreen, and I sincerely hoped from the bottom of my heart at that moment that l'd lost control of the car and gone off the road. I couldn't stand the feeling. In the end, nothing happened, I arrived home and didn't really realize what l'd done. It' only the next day that I realized that it wasn't nom...al for these things to put me in such a state.Now I know that a lot of people are likely to say, but go to hospital or see a psychologist. Working at the hospital, I can tell you that if I come and tell them I wanted to die, they won't let me go and they'll do psychological tests on me, and I don't want that at all. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'll think about it.
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