full image - Repost: Just need an outlet (from Reddit.com, Just need an outlet)
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I'm writing this in the hope that typing this all out will help me organise my head a bit and decompress, as I don't really have anyone to talk to. Apologies for the length, and if this isn't the right place for it, I wasn't really sure what reddit this would fall under.So the backstory is; I'm 32 approaching 33, I had been with someone for nearly 10 yrs, we never got married as neither of us were fussed and didn't have kids as she changed her mind about wanting them and I thought I was ok with this. I had previously moved from the North to the South to get her closer to home and her friendship/support network (I didn't mind as I'm a bit of an introvert and she was genuinely the only person I needed). We had recently begun living separately (about an hour and a bit away) as I had moved again for work and she didn't want to live in the place I now was, having got used to being around friends and family again. So I would live alone during the week in a 2x5 room with a single bed and unreliable hot water/heating, and see her most weekends.She had always been very hot-headed (which could make it tough to live with her on occasion, though I didn't exactly help at times), and struggled a bit with her mental health and so she sought out therapy/CBT. After a few months living apart, she said that she thought we needed to split up as she didn't feel that she was mentally well enough to be in a relationship (she had been diagnosed with Disassociative Identity Disorder) and that it wasn't fair on me.I instead convinced her to take some distance apart (easy enough to do since we weren't living together) but I don't think I really appreciated what toll that would take on me. She was pretty much the only person I spoke to outside work and being cut off from her left me feeling very lonely, but I held off messaging her unless she messaged me to give her the space she needed.I began feeling quite isolated and low. The person who lived next door to me had a young daughter that used to stay some weekends and listening to her giggling with her dad through the wall, while I was sat there empty and alone, made me realise just how much I wanted kids of my own, which didn't help with my already low mood.About a month after agreeing to give her some space, my grandad dies unexpectedly on a Saturday at the end of Oct. I know my GF was off to a Halloween party and I didn't want to ruin her night as I thought she deserved a distraction (as I presumed she would probably have sacked it off to come see me) so I bottled it up and just sat alone in my room. I decided I wouldn't mention it till she asked about me or how I was, which in the end didn't happen. She found out a few days later from my uncle's FB post and then rang me. I thought she'd come see me that weekend, but she already had plans and I wasn't about to demand she changed them even though I really needed her, so again I just sat in my room alone.3 weeks later and a week before the funeral I'd still not seen her and had come to the realisation that things were over. As she had always been very loving and caring, for her not to have come seen me meant that something was wrong. We had been messaging but hadn't spoke since my grandad died so I gave her a ring (knowing full well how the call would go). She apologised and explained how she couldn't even take care of herself let alone be there for me and then that was the end of it. 10 years down the drain.Knowing what was coming didn't really make the blow any softer. It sounds clichéd but she really was my best friend and all that I needed, to the point where I hadn't really kept up my previous friendships after moving away. I'd never felt so alone and felt an enormous feeling of loss compounded with my feelings from losing my grandad and the poor headspace I was in from the past two months of relationship limbo.I really wanted to be angry with her and shout at her for leaving me alone in such a dark time but I know it's not her fault and that she would have been there if she was mentally able to. I think grief is easier to process when there's someone to blame and not being able to be angry at her just made things harder still.The first time I saw her since we split was a few months later at a friend's wedding. I got the joy of sitting next to her duing the ceremony while everyone talked about unending love, which wasn't exactly the best experience of my life.I've really struggled with my mental state since, and often think about how dying would end the way I feel. I don't think I would commit suicide, I don't think I have the commitment for it, I also don't like the idea of the impact it could have on the person that finds me. I do however feel that if I was in a situation where my life was in threat, I would just lay there and take it instead of making any effort to save myself.I find myself not wanting to help myself. It's almost as if I want to feel like shit, and though I know there are things I can do that will improve my mood, like exercising, going for a walk etc. I just bottle up in my room and feel sorry for myself.I had a good spell where I got a good fitness routine going for a few months, dropped about 25kg and was feeling ok (mainly because I was keeping myself distracted with exercise). But the loneliness was always there eating away in the background and I've fallen out of the habit and I'm struggling to get back on board. Eating is a coping mechanism for me to the point where I'll munch on crap food until I'm uncomfortably full and then keep eating more until I run out of stuff I've bought. So far I've put back on about half the weight I lost, and feel really unattractive.I've been on a fair few dates since we split but I'm yet to come across anyone that I have a real connection with and that I feel I can be myself around. The sexual encounters I've had have felt empty. I'm over my GF as a person, but still very much miss what I had. I'd always been quite happy go lucky and stumbled in to relationships at just the time when I happened to be looking for one, but my inability to come across anyone I really connect with has left me feeling quite unhopeful for the future.I feel like I've taken a massive backwards step from where I wanted to be in my life. I think ultimately she did me a favour as not having kids would have eaten away at me eventually, but I have a massive hole in my life that she used to fill that isn't getting any smaller.I'm now 33 going on 34 and feel pretty worthless. I still live in a room (I was looking at moving out before energy prices went through the roof), I'm still lonely and I still don't really want to keep existing. My logical mind knows that things will eventually improve and I'll probably get through this, but those thoughts are so easily clouded and bogged down by everything else that is swirling around my head.If you've got this far then thank you for reading. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just needed to offload somewhere.
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