full image - Repost: The text I couldn’t send (from Reddit.com, The text I couldn’t send)
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I don’t know when an appropriate time to say this is: I’m not trying to center the conversation on myself. That being said, I’m also not ok. I am very depressed, I am unmedicated, I have zero support network in the home. I have ptsd talking to [best friend] or [brother] because of things you’ve said when you’ve snooped my phone and either caught me or accused me of leaning on them for support regarding issues in our relationship.I have a lot of ptsd from the way you treat me and talk to me in our relationship, and the burden of being the one to “win you back” and make YOU fall in love with ME again with no acknowledgement that the trauma, hurt, and feeling of needing to be won back over by the other person goes both ways equally is a big barrier to me actually trying to win you back.I don’t feel like I have a venue to speak about my unhappiness or frustration with you, because whenever I take the floor, you take the conversation and it becomes about how I’ve wronged you. I haven’t been keeping a log, but it feels like there’s not a single day in the last month where I haven’t done something that’s pissed you off to the point you need to yell at me or punish me: Halloween & the zipper breaking on your costume being my fault, resulting in threats you weren’t going to go & Halloween for [our 3 year old] was ruined… 2 days ago because I made the salmon YOU defrosted and YOU said you were going to make and every day I asked you about it, YOU said “no” because your untreated depression you refuse to see anyone about was so bad you couldn’t cook, so I was faced with either “make it” or “let it spoil & waste the $ we don’t have with you not working and my income being unable to cover rent + daycare + groceries + utilities, to say nothing of depression meals ordered on apps with a 400% delivery markup. Today because I didn’t support you properly by reiterating that [3 year old] said “you yelled at her” and you took that to mean I was agreeing with her THAT you yelled at her, and you were upset I didn’t run interference before she cried that you allegedly yelled at her… and how that moment has informed the ENTIRE REST OF THE MOOD FOR THE DAY. And when I said sorry, you chastised me for having to claw the apology out of me, and when I pushed back that I apologized sincerely and quickly, you said you don’t believe the words that come out of my mouth.Ever moving goalposts. Ever shrinking responsibility for you whilst ever growing for me. Both in terms of fixing our relationship, and in terms of household, and indeed individual mental & physical health upkeep.You’re mad at me every day. I’m not allowed to confide in anyone about problems in our relationship. I’m not allowed to bring my issues with you up in a forum where they get addressed..I feel like I’m in an Abusive relationship, and you’ve fashioned a situation where I have no voice, except to post to Reddit from my third account, because you’ve snooped and found the other two and guilted me for writing about our relationship problems.I feel so trapped, voiceless, and helpless
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