full image - Repost: Anxious (40M) / avoidant (38F) dynamic + a million other hurdles.... Is there hope or will this always be an issue. long vent, I'm sorry. :( (from Reddit.com, Anxious (40M) / avoidant (38F) dynamic + a million other hurdles.... Is there hope or will this always be an issue. long vent, I'm sorry. :()
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I've (38F) had an avoidant attachment style as far back as I can remember. I've always kinda recoiled from emotional closeness, but I've gotten wayyyyyy better with therapy over the past 5 years. I would say, however, that my low level of needs has not changed. I do not expect a ton of my partners. I'm fairly low maintenance overall. In terms of communication, I don't need a good morning and good night text every night. I don't need hours of gazing into each others eyes and cuddle time on the couch. I don't mind if while we're talking on the phone, they're multitasking and also getting something else done at the same time... (like making food, or folding laundry, or walking their dog... etc.) We're both adults, we both have lives, I think I just have realistic expectations re: the level of "undivided attention" a partner should be expected to give... and I don't often expect that. It's fine. We're fine. As long as we have love and trust and commitment in our relationship.... we're good. I'm not worried.Side note because this is probably important - I was previously married to an extremely anxiously attached person. Everything was fine for a while. But somewhere along the line they made me the absolute center of their world... and it was... a lot. Ultimately, too much. I tried to make it work for a while. They always wanted to spend time together. They got hurt/upset if I did anything without them. We got into constant arguments because while I would encourage them to go hang out with their own friends and do their own thing sometimes, they would get extremely upset if I wanted to do the same. They 'felt left out' if I dared make plans with friends without them... and did not at all recognize that it's healthy to still maintain your own life too. If we weren't glued at the hip 24/7, they weren't happy. And yeah, eventually it led to arguments. It was emotionally exhausting having to (quite literally) reassure my partner (often several times daily) that yes, I loved them. It led to resentment on both sides. It led to her resenting me for not being "enough" (to her standards/expectations), and me resenting her for expecting way way way too much (as far as my standards and expectations were concerned.) We did couples therapy.... but that relationship ultimately ended.So back to now; Sorry this is so long and disjointed - there are just so many factors ughMy fiancé (40M) is living in Europe (there on a work visa), and I live in the US. We're long distance, but we manage to see each other quite often, for 1/2/3 week stretches at a time. (mainly me going there to see/stay with him because I have more I have the freedom to do so... him not so much with work) Last spring we started talking about closing the gap and who would move where.... he didn't really want to move here (Chicago) but was willing to if needed.... I, honestly did prefer to move there... (He's in the south of France rn... I mean. Who WOULDN'T want to live there?) but the logistics of how I would make that happen stressed me out.I have my own business. I own a condo. I have a horse. My entire family is here. My mom is having health issues (early onset dementia, she's 64. But that's a whoooole other can of worms) My client base is here (that took me 8+ years to hustle for and build...), my work is HERE. Things I would have to do to close the gap and get to Europe: I would have to sell my condo. (Terrible fucking time to do so, not only will I not be MAKING money to sell, I'll be actually losing money out of pocket after repairs/legal/realtor fees, so that sucks but whatever) To get to France - I would have to hire an attorney to put together my application for my visa because I sure as shit did not want to deal with that hassle with everything else going on. I would have to figure out wtf to do with my horse (cus sorry, I don't want to sell him. That's not fair. But it's going to be expensive as shit maintaining his board and training while I'm not even here most of the year... until I figure out if I should/can move him or not. Which is also expensive, about 12k.) I would have to figure out how to get my other animals there (I have a senior dog with heart disease... apparently it can be dangerous for her to fly? Currently have to go see a canine cardiologist to assess risk... etc) Just- so many things. So many expensive/time and mental energy consuming things. Oh, also, I don't want to work in Europe. I'm a wedding photographer in my current city... the average spend for my clients (after building my business and network here for 8+yrs...) ranges from 6k+ to as much as 15k per event. Typical budgets for wedding photography in fiancé's part of Europe hover around €2-3k. (Unless you're in the luxury market there, which takes TIMEEEE to break into and build the vendor/planner relationships that connect you with that clientele) I'm 38. I want a family. I don't want to hustle and scrape to make a name for myself/my business again in a foreign country, when I can simply fly home for x amount of time per year and make triple/quadruple the salary for the same amount of work, in less amount of time.So anyways, we start planning how to make this happen back in mid summer (and in the middle of my busy season, of course.) And decide, we're going to make it work - goal date to move is March 2023. Regardless of whether condo has sold or not... thats the target date. I wasn't able to tackle or even THINK about a lot of things like condo/horse/etc in the middle of busy season.... but one thing I was able to do right away was strategically plan my availability for 2023. I managed to book myself for two 6 week blocks of time during busy season for the following year - so in those 12 weeks total in 2023, I'll be making over 150k. OK. It was a start. Financially, moving is doable. and I can still maintain my income without having to work abroad right away. Cool.However, I still felt that all through the summer/fall, though I warned my partner - "Hey, things get REALLY busy by September/October. Most of us (fellow wedding photogs/my best friends.... he's met them all) are really overwhelmed by the time late sept/early oct rolls around.... so I just want to warn you now I'll be tired and overwhelmed and not as available as I am during slow season.... ok?" I warned him about this. And it's not just me - its most wedding vendors in my region... work is super seasonal here. Everyone goes into it expecting to bust their ass and nearly be dead by the time fall is over.... thats just the name of the game here. It's stressful, but its WORTH IT. Hell of a decent income and 6+ months of basically time off afterwards? sure, that's worth it to me.Anyways, though he knew what to expect... and had spoken to several of my friends who also reiterated how hectic the end of busy season is... he still ended up getting increasingly demanding and upset when my availability lessened as my workload multiplied. Theres a 7hr time difference between us. He would get upset if I didn't text him the moment I awoke, and the moment before I went to sleep. He would get upset if I kissed my dog during a phone conversation (literally this happened, my dog was on my lap while we were talking, and I absentmindedly gave her a kiss on the head while I pet her... he heard the kissing sound - and flew off the handle about how it was so rude that I was unable to give him my undivided attention, and instead was 'focusing on my dog on my lap') He would regularly get off work between 4-6pm my time, and would call me when he got home.... and get upset that I was out doing things or driving at the same time we were talking on the phone - rather than sitting in silence with 100% focus on our conversation and that only. We used to talk on the phone a lot when he got home from work and I was usually driving somewhere, and if my focus drifted or I paused in speaking for a moment because something was happening in the traffic around me - or I made a random comment like "WHOA!" if someone would cut me off on the road or do something stupid.... he would get SO frustrated. Finally I was like - "Listen. We have a 7hr time difference. by the time you get off work I'm in the middle of my day. If you want for us to be able to talk as much as we do.... You NEED to relax about this, otherwise the only solution is us literally scheduling out time to talk, which will be a lot more infrequent than us having the ability to just chat casually while either of us is doing something else. I cannot plan my day around your schedule. Just because I don't have set 'work' hours where I'm unreachable throughout a normal week, doesn't mean that I don't have work to do, or that I don't have places to go." Like - I don't expect him to clock out of work and stop doing what he's doing just because its convenient for me to call when he's in the middle of his shift? And I don't expect him to stop working out when he's at the gym if I felt like talking at that precise moment.... how would that be fair?! It wouldn't, right? I just feel like overall I'm a lot less needy of time and attention than he is, and a lot more flexible and forgiving about it too. I feel like you have to be with that huge a time difference, right? flexibility is key...... This, and on top of everything I was preparing to do to move there.... there were several times throughout the fall where I felt like.... "Wow... I'm like- doing all of these things for us and our relationship. I'm getting through this busy season, and then I'm going to uproot my entire life, sell my house, get rid of all my things, move overseas, I've already made so many changes re: my availability next year and already limited my earning potential a year in advance so I can move there..... and its STILL not enough. It's never enough. Awesome. Story of my fucking liiiiiife" I tried not to react super negatively and just kind of handled issues as they arose (like, yes - I argued that it was unfair for him to get mad at me for some of these reasons stated above.... but I still had a little bit of patience for these things when they arose.) Until suddenly, I didn't. I had enough.Suddenly, every criticism was met with just ANGER on my part. Anger that - HOW DARE YOU hold me to such extreme standards... I DON'T do that to you. How DARE you accuse me of not caring enough or not devoting enough time and energy, especially after all I'm currently doing and all I'm preparing to do for US, and for YOU. I felt anxiety even talking to him. I felt myself creating distance/avoiding. I didn't want to deal with the constanttttt criticism of how I was failing to live up to his expectations of closeness/availability/attention. Like, I really just wanted to be like - "FUCK. THIS. I'm busting my ASS over here and preparing to make all sorts of sacrifices... You need to back the fuck off, and get offffff my dick. You are absolutely SMOTHERING ME RN BACK THE FUCK OFF AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"Of course I didn't say that quite so directly, but there were several weeks where I dreaded even talking to him. Eventually, I let him know that the current dynamic was overwhelming me/pushing me away... we had a talk that led to talking about attachment styles, and he realized that a lot of my triggers, he had been doing nonstop. ie: demands for attention. criticizing when he wasn't getting as much/as undivided attention as he wanted. demands for emotional closeness and spur of the moment video chats (where I would be expected to drop everything and FOCUS) if he felt 'disconnected' at least 1x per week. Expecting a lot of me when I already felt overburdened (and told him I was overburdened). etc.I know avoidant attachment tendencies are not healthy. I know my faults. I know that by being busy and overwhelmed and not as 'present', that causes him anxiety and makes him feel like he's not a priority. I try to assure him that he is, but I only have so much to give. I try to 'power through' and not react/withdraw every single time I want to react/withdraw. I don't react to critical comments to maintain the peace. I'm trying, ok. I did realize that I wasn't setting proper boundaries in the first place. Yes I could gently warn hi "hey... I'm gonna be real busy for a couple months.... just a heads up...." but it would be a lot more effective if I just said up front - "Hey, I'm going to be extremely busy for a couple months. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be stressed out. What I need from you is to just know that despite my availability changing, I still love you and care about you. I need you to be okay with us chatting more casually or on a more random schedule, and understand that I'm probably going to have to multitask... and it's not because I don't love you.... but I have limited time to give. And when I have a lot on my plate, we have to compromise. It's not fair for you to expect me to maintain the same level of undivided attention and communication as you are used to during slow season, at the expense of my obligations and commitments with work/family, and the expense of my own personal time. (I'm independent AF, I like my alone time just to go to the barn, put my phone away... hang out with my horse for 2-3 hrs... and just - not feel at anyone/everyone's beck and call a few times a week. Is that so wrong?)So yeah. We talked about this. We talked about each others triggers, how we could avoid them. how we could better help each other feel seen and supported/loved. (Because honestly, we don't have these problems at all unless I'm busy.... and it's in those moments that I feel stretched thin, criticized, and like they're expecting way to much rather than just rolling with the season, knowing it's only temporary, but worth it for our future, etc) Literally, my job can be stressful - but JFC it's the ONLY reason we're able to see each other as much as we are because of the freedom it gives me... both financially and when it comes to time off.Things would go ok for a bit, but every so often I'd feel like I'd catch glimpses of his anger.... (for example, an impatient "HELLOOOO......" if I didn't respond to a text soon enough... or him randomly getting huffy if we were chatting while I was working, and I paused because I got an email notification from a client... etc) So I guess I never let my guard back down. Most of the time when things like that happen I just choose to let it roll off my back/overlook it and not cause waves/start a huge fight about it, but last night, we were texting while I was working, and I set my phone down for a few minutes between messages. I responded to one of his texts 10 minutes later... and he was extremely offended.**sidenote - I was explaining to a friend a couple weeks ago that I feel like I have zero patience now for what comes across to me as critical/demanding outbursts. I feel like the patience cup is empty.... and even despite us coming to an agreement/compromise, and trying to be more conscientious of each others feelings/triggers... every time I see that pissy critical side of him peek out, it prevents me from letting my guard down, and the patience cup just isn't being refilled. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, waiting for the next time he's going to accuse me of not caring as much as he does, not giving enough... and not living up to his expectations.**So, he got very offended, and asked me to tell him beforehand if I would be putting my phone down for a few minutes. Which seems reasonable.... but honestly - I would have to preface EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION WITH: "Hey. I'm busy right now. Communication may be on/off." ..... Literally. Every single conversation. Why??? Because we talk ON HIS SCHEDULE. so this just made me even more mad.They wake up around 7/8am (when it's 12/1am my time) Guess what, Thats when I work. And thats usually when they text/call. Cool. They get off work around 12-1am their time... (5pm-6pm my time)... which falls in the middle of me running around/doing shoots/getting shit done usually. (I'm more of a night person, if that isn't obvious, I usually wake up around 10am and go to sleep around 2/3am) If I'm being honest, Ideal time for ME to talk to THEM, would be 9pm my time. I'm done running around for the day, I'm not yet in my night owl 'work mode'.... but do I insist on them calling me or texting me then? NO. because its 4am their time at that point. That would be ridiculous to expect them to wake up at 4am to schedule phone time when it would be most convenient for ME. Right? So we talk on his schedule.... always. I don't have a problem with the timing, but I do have a problem with the expectation that my fucking life and world stops and revolves around him the moment he becomes available/wants to talk.I really don't know where else to go with this. It's clear I've already got a lot of anger and resentment built up from here.... I guess I'm just venting and wondering if this is always going to be a problem. does anyone ever bridge the gap between anxious/avoidant? Will I always hold a grudge? Will I always be on edge?To clarify, we never had these problems before. (when I wasn't busy....) He's wonderful otherwise, and I think I'm a pretty damn good partner (in accordance with his expectations, even!) otherwise too... its just been deteriorating over the past few months continuously, and I feel like all I need is a little space and fucking breathing room because I have a LOT going on rn. (( Condo listing is going live this week, I'm juggling repair reschedules left and right because of weather, I still have to figure out wtf to do with most of my stuff - I'm not bringing it, and I don't want to store it.... but I've got to keep it in the condo for showings because apparently furnished shows better than empty? just a juggling act. My mom was in the ER again, 3rd time this year, I think my dad is depressed from having to take care of my mom- she's very argumentative and refuses to get out of bed/eat/shower, its been so tough on him and our whole family, I've still got galleries to edit and deliver with only 3 weeks left until myself and fiancé travel to Australia to meet his parents and I'd prefer to get my shit done before I leave rather than have to work on the trip, I've got just still- a billion things on my plate. and I cant help but just feel like - "FUCK. AGAIN?@?!?@?@?@ UGHHHHHHHHHH" every time something little blows up into something big between us, and he's mad at me again for fucking it up.Positives, we get along great otherwise. shared goals, shared values, etc. Next year, my work/busy season is significantly pared down. Yes I will still be busy, but it is broken up into 2 blocks so should be a lot more manageable as long as I stay on top of everything. Which.. hopefully I will be able to DO.. (that is, if I'm not simultaneously and singlehandedly ruining our relationship in the meantime.)You guys - is there even hope for this relationship? UGH.
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