full image - Repost: I don't know how to keep going in this society any longer. I'm so fucking tired. Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation (from Reddit.com, I don't know how to keep going in this society any longer. I'm so fucking tired. Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation)
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I got fired from a job I loved about a month ago. It sent me into a spiral. I lowered a lot of my defenses and put a great deal of myself into that job. I felt hurt and rejected at my very core getting terminated so suddenly and harshly.If I hadn't had help right now from my family, whom are a big part of why I have CPTSD, then I could have been on the streets. It fucking scares me. No safety net except the one fortune assigns to you living in this ruthless country.I'm in my 30s with no degree and I'm so fucking scared of being in this situation again and again with abusive food service environments. What made this even harder was everything felt like it was going great. I don't even know the real reason I got fired and I don't believe the one that was cited. Not being able to know why makes it hurt even more and puts my overthinking into overdrive.I've been trying to job hunt and to see if I can do some other kind of work possibly that's not customer facing. I just worry about my prospect especially in this frame of time. I struggle when working to both work and job hunt, so I'm nervous about whether I'll get "stuck" as I have again and again before.I keep imagining ways of killing myself. I mean, I do this all the time already but it's just nonstop and I feel really fucking dark sometimes, like right now.I think of a noose around my neck, slitting my throat, tossing myself off a bridge. It feels more right than going on living.I'm not going to do anything, I don't feel. But as I get older, life at its worse feels all the more inescapable. I just don't know how much longer I can handle it.I desperately want to heal. I'm trying really hard to. It scared me in my last relationship seeing just how deep the trauma ran, and the fight and flight that it triggered, and the way I responded to that, running away, freezing up, self destructing, projecting.I hated that I acted that way. It disturbed me. The past few years of my life have felt like an alarm signal. I finally moved out away from the dysfunction of living with family. I escaped living with an abusive addict roommate who assaulted me. I saw the way my own dysfunction affected my relationship and the person that I loved.I'm tired of it all. I just want it to end but I don't know what the way forward is. I feel fucking trapped.I'm doing therapy and trying to read about DBT and IFS in my own time as well as Pete Walker. I journal each day. I talk to close friends and vent. I am grateful I have a support network like that and loved ones in my life.But I'm freaked out by how much I unravel in a situation like this. I felt my entire identity got thrown into the blender and that I needed to stitch it all back together.Like in other times, I just feel this abyss at my center, radiating darkness throughout my whole mind and body.It feels like as much as I do to change my life, I always return to this bleak truth at the heart of who I am.The wound will not close.I don't want to live in capitalism. I don't want to go through the experiences that come with being autistic and traumatized. I just want stability, and kindness and love, to give and to receive.I wish this got a little easier. It feels like for every time things get okay, I have the next calamity to look forward to. I don't feel there's a space carved out there for me, atleast one in which I can both survive and thrive.
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