full image - Repost: Learning to live without my dad (from Reddit.com, Learning to live without my dad)
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Hey all! I don't know if this post belongs here, since he's still alive, but I've been told that I'm experiencing grief over this all. This post will mention abuse and cancer, as a warning. I am also in therapy, and have a support network of friends, a little bit of family, and some people in a mental health group.I'm 20M, and I lived with my father for most of my childhood. As the years went on, he got rougher and rougher to me, while also becoming more distant. He remarried and had more children with the new woman, and doted on them constantly, doing everything for them while forgetting me. One specific example I can remember is that he drove 2 towns over to buy a helium tank to blow up one sibling's custom birthday balloons- after which, he forgot my birthday and tried to patch it with a discount Walmart cake. I spent years and years trying to express how his treatment made me feel, volunteering family therapy, writing letters, trying to have face to face conversations, everything. It always became my fault, because I was a "difficult child" and "inconsiderate of how hard he's trying".It got worse as an adult, with us clashing constantly. I eventually moved out with my partner when his neglect led to me developing a neurological condition that I'll have for life. After I moved out, he entirely stopped interacting with me, except to tell me that he had been diagnosed with cancer. 6 months or so after I had moved out, he had texted me first maybe twice. I tried to express that it bothered me, and formed my paragraph with a therapist. He blew up and told me that he was "done talking about emotions" and that I couldn't be his son anymore.That was a couple months ago, and it's starting to sink in that he's gone. I don't have anyone to ask about cars anymore, or 80s songs, or how to cook burgers. I don't have anyone I can hug during relationship problems now, or eat burned chicken with, or wake up at 4am to eat cereal with. I remember him and I riding in his car when I was maybe 11, and we were blaring Meatloaf on his fried car speakers. He was singing and dancing a little in his seat, and I got embarrassed and kept telling him that he was weird.I miss my dad, man. I don't know how to get over it. I feel like a ball of emotion, and it keeps switching between soul-wrenching grief, rage, and emptiness. I have breakdowns almost every night, and my partner holds me/my hands while I bawl until I get sleepy. I'm trying to observe my emotions as opposed to getting caught up in them, but man, they're huge. I know I'm not alone, but it sure feels like it. It'll get better, it just takes time. In the meantime, I'll listen to Meatloaf alone and do the best I can.Cheers, yall. :) Much love
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