full image - Repost: How do I support a close friend going through infertility while also protecting my own happiness during my pregnancy? Looking for perspectives. (from Reddit.com, How do I support a close friend going through infertility while also protecting my own happiness during my pregnancy? Looking for perspectives.)
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Hi everyone,I’m hoping to hear from people who have experienced infertility themselves or who have been on the “other side” like me. I really want to understand what might be going on and how to approach this with compassion, but I’m also hurting and need to protect my own wellbeing.(I’m sorry if this is a wrong place to post this… I’ll delete it if this was not appropriate)I’m Japanese and have been living in the UK for about three years with my husband. We met and married in Japan, then moved here together. Since arriving, his childhood friend group (and their partners) have been my core friendship circle. They’ve been like family to me, especially because I’m so far away from my own.One couple in the group has been struggling with infertility for a few years. Recently, the woman went through IVF, but the first attempt failed. Around the same time, I found out I’m pregnant.Because I care about her deeply, I decided to tell her privately over message so she could process it in her own space. I told her I was pregnant, that I loved her, and that I hoped this would somehow bring some positive energy to her journey. She replied saying she was happy for me, but did not want to talk about it, which I completely understood.What I didn’t expect was how it would feel in group situations after that. When we met in person shortly after, she couldn’t even say “congratulations”. For the past two years of her trying to conceive, four other babies were born within our friend group, and she had always been openly warm and engaging about their pregnancies. She would ask them questions and talk about baby stuff with no issue. But with mine, she avoids the topic completely and her reaction makes it feel like it’s not okay for anyone to talk about my pregnancy at all.I know she is hurting. I know infertility is incredibly painful and complex. But I’m also starting to feel like my happiness is being dimmed. This is my first pregnancy, my first time experiencing all of this, and one of the few friends I see regularly can’t even acknowledge it. As someone living far from home, this friend group has been my emotional support network, and now I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of my safe space.I’ve also started worrying about the future: • When the baby is born, will she suddenly become enthusiastic? • If she only becomes happy for me after she has a successful IVF, how should I feel about that? • If her journey continues to be difficult, will she see my child as a painful reminder? • Why was she able to celebrate other friends’ pregnancies, but not mine?All of these questions keep swirling and I’m realising I’m not okay with how things currently are.We have a Christmas party coming up, which will be the first big group gathering since I announced my pregnancy. I really want to be happy, cheerful, and enjoy this moment in my life, but I’m already anxious that her presence will make me feel like I need to dim myself or avoid mentioning my pregnancy at all.My therapist suggested I consider expressing my feelings to her gently, but I want to understand her perspective better before I decide what to say. Which is why I’m posting here.If you’ve experienced infertility or supported someone who has, what might she be feeling? How can I approach her in a compassionate way without abandoning my own emotional needs?I understand she doesn’t want to be talking about it to me one on one, but I also don’t want her to be taking my happiness away from social situations and feel resentful once the baby is born or when the situation all of these questions came sudden changes and she treats me differently. Any insights or advice would be really appreciated.Thank you for reading.
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