full image - Repost: Burn it down? (from Reddit.com, Burn it down?)
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I left the burner of the stove on when I read your message this morning, I couldn’t finish reading until later, life got in the way and the level of emotions I portray when deep in thoughts of you are meant for quiet, reflective spaces. But I almost truly did burn down the kitchen.…I’m unsure what you meant by something that should never have existed. Was that a reference to us, or to your situation?It was in reference to us but in reflection it could be a balance of both. I should have never opened up my kitchen to you without closing the one I built with A. That has left us with an unstable foundation on which we’ve tried to build, much different than what we would have created if we had the opportunity to build our house properly. I know that you are still open to trying to cook together, but I should stay in one kitchen.It’s also in reference to my situation, in all honesty I’m surprised to have said out loud during counselling sessions just how much it seems like my relationship with A has been one of convenience where many initial red flags were overlooked until it felt too late. Those sessions have been eye opening in both how much I truly rushed into things with A for it to be a less than ideal match; and how it truly feels like we would be a much better match on paper. That internal emotional world of yours meeting my expressive nature would make many savoury meals indeed.It seems there’s been a misunderstanding about the grocery store encounter.I completely panicked that day, it caught me off guard like a deer in the headlights so an action as simple as a sheepish wave hello would have been entirely too much for me in that moment. I keep coming back to that moment because it is my expression of how this entire time I have been open and accepting to the possibility of you finding a greater, more present love. Even when the stakes were the highest for me, I was simply happy for you and the idea of you finding someone.It’s a large reason why Given our dynamic specifically. Im highly sensitive to someone else getting all the benefits.This completely makes sense in hindsight, those words should have never been spoken to you.There’s been a misunderstanding about me asking you to speak with other people.That was a giant misunderstanding, I thought from the beginning you wanted me to reach out and meet others within the FL space. It never occurred to me that you were speaking of building a supportive network around me and my family. Perhaps because it already felt like I had enough people around me that I could count on at that time to help, now I am definitely in an energy of isolation. Making mom friends is hard, talking about these topics is harder-I do have one friend that I have met who I’m close enough to now know that both of us share this dynamic of there having been an other energy, feelings that aren’t quite resolved and a commitment to do what’s best for our families.Not once did the seven course meal come up. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it tells me that it’s far from your mind.Over the years cooking became the primary way that I show my emotions in a relationship. I have left relationships because I didn’t feel like our passion for cooking was at the same level. I’ve always been one open to trying new ingredients and dishes but I have learned the importance of cooking in the same kitchen, no bringing extra ingredients from one kitchen to another, create and cultivate with what is in the kitchen together.I’m a highly passionate creature by nature. It’s been both a blessing and a curse. I would definitely agree that I’m more adventurous in the kitchen than most.As it seems neither of us knows how to communicate clearly, or we do and we just dont know what to say or how to say it.I have simply created an impossible situation, where both of us slowly turn towards cooking-because that is the act that we want to do so much with each other. Our primary way that we know how to show the closeness we crave.Cooking is a physical manifestation of all of the thoughtfully crafted recipes that we create, a chance to enjoy our passion for each other without being stuck in the cerebral, something that I very much enjoy but cannot manage in the environment I’m in right now. All this to say, I needed to get some things off my chest, I was not in a good head space last night before I wrote the letter. The letter felt freeing, it was a very needed release. I’m not trying to reopen another chapter while still in a different kitchen. I know for a fact that makes you want to bang your head upon the wall but for the reasons you’ve mentioned it simply can’t happen in the present environment.…It felt amazing to write, just write. Focus on letting the words that flow fall onto the page. Tears streaming down her face as she processed the emotions that came with them quicker than she thought possible. She was amazed by his ability to write, she wanted to do her best to match him stroke by stroke.After hitting submit the tension that had been building for days finally released, she could now fully relax. Several counselling sessions built around processing their dynamic, endless nights of self reflecting through their dynamic. None of it seemed to matter in the end, she knew everyone would think she was crazy for even throwing that letter into the ether. She didn’t care. She needed to let him know that he is wanted, loved and admired. That an aching heart is a mutual feeling and she was only looking to show empathy in the words that hurt him.
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