full image - Repost: I bought my ex an expensive gift (from Reddit.com, I bought my ex an expensive gift)
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I really hope someone, anyone, reads this.Trigger Warning : Physical and Emotional AbuseI know that by putting this out there, I'm opening myself up to gunfire. But I really wanted to share this story with someone, it personally makes me feel better about my situation, and I don't have many people to talk to.So my ex (31M), let's call him Seb. We met at a networking party that both of us had kinda been dragged into because mutual friends wanted to introduce us. Despite having low-expectations, we hit it off immediately. Our connection was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before, right off the bat it felt like I'd known him my whole life. Same hobbies, I'm studying to enter the same career field as him, same love languages, same humor, it seemed too good to be true, and despite my doubts, he was the perfect boyfriend for months - until one day he started to change.One day I playfully splashed some water on his shirt. We messed around often, tickle attacks, horseplay, and jump scares weren't uncommon, so I really didn't think it would be a big deal. But the moment I splashed that water on his shirt - everything changed. The man looking back at me was someone completely different. He became so angry, despite there only being a few drops of water on his shirt, he made me get him a towel and a new shirt, and I had to wash his car the next day. I made excuses, I had wanted to surprise him with a car wash anyway because he had talked about needing one and he was always doing big favors for me. Let me not escalate things, I'm a lover not a fighter, it's a once off and maybe I didn't read his mood correctly, I'll let it slide.Unfortunately though, it wasn't a once off. In the months following, he only got worse and worse. If we were at the gym and he was ready to leave and I spent 5 minutes in the locker room, it would turn into a tantrum in the car. If we were making Easter lunch and I got a phone call from my elderly and ill father and left the kitchen, it didn't matter if I was back in time to finish my portion of the meal prep by the lunch serving time we agreed on, he would dish some food into a Tupperware and disappear for an hour because he was so angry he didn't want to see me. I spent Easter lunch alone. If I was too tired after a long day of studying to go to an evening yoga class with him, we wouldn't talk until the next morning. If I had too much to drink at a new years party, just like everyone else, without causing any drama, tantrum. As a student I don't have all the free time in the world, but I would spend all my free time with him. If he asked me to do something for him, I'd do it, no questions asked. If he wanted to see a movie or go hike or eat out, we'd do it, it was an unwritten expectation, and it didn't really matter what I wanted to do, or what was important to me. He never asked me to neglect family or friends, but I knew that if I didn't pay enough attention to him - tantrum. He became my world, and I was being gaslit so badly I didn't even realize that he was the problem.And it was so strange, because he was like two different people in one. When he was happy, he was literally the best partner ever. Empathic, affectionate, he'd spoil me for no reason, surprise me, show me off to his friends, treat me like a queen, compliment me, make me dinner, take me to beautiful places, he was one of the most empathic listeners I had ever met, when he looked into my eyes I could really tell he loved me, it was undeniable. When he held me, I felt so, so safe. We were already living together, and he talked of moving overseas with me, helping me achieve my goals, and he was a man of his word. My friends adored him and some were even jealous that I had the privilege of dating him.I was so confused, but one day, I started piecing together his life story, and everything changed for me. His dad abandoned him when he was just born, growing up he didn't get anything more than a phone call on his birthday, which would make Seb feel so horrible and give him so much anxiety that he'd have to lie down from stomach pain. One day he realized the only reason his dad made the once-a-year phone call was because his mom pressured Sebs dad to do it. As a child he didn't understand why he wasn't good enough, he didn't understand why his dad didn't want him. He thought it was his fault. To make matters worse, his mother was abusive, she had borderline and bipolar and was untreated for many years. She raised him in a horrible neighborhood, and if she was in a bad mood for any reason, she'd throw plates at him, she'd shove him to the floor, she'd bang doors and scream at him and make him her personal punching bag, literally and figuratively. He was just a child, but this continued until he was old enough to move out. He was terrified of her.One day when seb was in his 20s he got hold of his dad and tried to reform a relationship with him. Seb drove a really far distance to see his dad for a weekend, and was basically neglected the entire time. What was going to be one of the most important weekends of Sebs life ended up being the biggest disappointment ever. His dad just got extremely drunk, forced seb to watch sports, and told seb that he would have gone pro in his sports league had he not had children. Seb left and got everything off his chest, told him what a horrible father he was, how badly it affected him growing up, and that he never wanted to see him again. The worst part is that all Sebs dad had to say to that was "Well that's alright with me."For many years, Seb had no idea what real love looked like. He had been fighting with the fear of neglection every single day of his upbringing. That's why he gets angry so quickly, he is absolutely terrified of being neglected. Anything action even slightly resembles ignorance immediately makes him feel like I don't care about him, like I don't respect him. He even told me once, after I'd made him wait somewhere for 5 minutes, that he had thought that I forgot about him. He has been completely brainwashed, he has extreme childhood trauma that, at his age, I don't think he'll be able to fix. And I actually feel really, really sorry for him, he's such a broken person but had nobody to help him growing up, he literally never knew any better.Growing up, he only really had two coping mechanisms, which was music and exercise.One day he told me that when he lived in another state, he started collecting vinyls, they became extremely special to him, even getting some of them especially imported and signed by his favorite artists. He told me how one of his friends parents had a vinyl player that they would lend to him, and how much it meant to him. He even invested in importing a brand new cartridge for it. He was depressed most of his life, and he would tell me these heartbreaking stories about how sometimes he would just put on his vinyls and lie on the floor with his eyes closed and listen to them, music was his everything. He would tell me that when he would go swimming, he would take the turntable outside and play his records, he didn't even care at all that he had to get out of the water every few minutes to flip it over. It kept him going. Unfortunately, when he moved to our state, he had to give the vinyl player back.When he started in his field of creativity, his vinyls became a huge source of artistic and design inspiration, even if he couldn't play them anymore. In our apartment, he had dozens of them up against the walls and shelves, and he tells me deep and meaningful stories about each and every single one of them. He's always told me he wants a vinyl player again, you can see where this is going.On Monday, we're saying our last goodbyes to each other. What he doesn't know is that I've bought him a vinyl player. I know everyone says you shouldn't buy your ex a gift, but I don't care. I got him a really nice, quality one too. I don't think I'll ever see him again, despite his good side I'm over the gaslighting, I can't take the responsibility upon myself anymore, he treated me horribly on too many occasions and I want better for myself. But - I forgive him. I forgive him because I can't imagine what it was like to be him growing up, what it was like to feel that eternal insecurity and neglect, to face abuse and bullying every day from friends and family. His scars run deep, he never had a chance at a normal life.Despite the fact that I'll never see him again, I know he'll keep the turntable. I know he'll cherish it. I hope that some days when he's feeling down, he can remember that once upon a time there was a girl who really cared about him in a way that not many people in his history have, and that there are more people in the world who are willing to offer him the love and support he was so deprived of growing up. Or, better yet, I hope he doesn't think about me at all. I hope he can just put on his favorite vinyls, and close his eyes, and let the music take him somewhere else, somewhere far away, somewhere where he finds peace and comfort from this world that he's so tormented by. I don't have a lot of faith but, I pray that he has better days ahead of him, and I pray that one day he can get the help he needs and free himself of the horrible abuse he was exposed to, let go of anger and resentment and an find inner calmness that I don't think he's ever experienced. I really do pray this for him.
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