full image - Repost: "Reasonable" expectations on availability and bandwidth (from Reddit.com, "Reasonable" expectations on availability and bandwidth)
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Quotes are paraphrasingTLDR: To what extent is it reasonable to expect your partner to at least care to know what your needs are, even if ultimately they have to communicate they don't have the bandwidth to meet themI am going to do by best to keep this brief. I really need a sounding board, I am frustrated with my partner but mostly with myself.Long story short, I am in the midst of what has been a really stressful job change, and it has resulted in me resigning from my new job (software product development at a startup) only a month or two after joining. This is not a good situation, it looks bad, and my new employer/manager would be justifiably angry at me for wasting their time when they really need someone in the role. I have been dreading this conversation to the point of not taking the other job at all so I didn't have to go through with it, but finally did yesterday.My partner, who is ENM and I've been seeing each other in some capacity or another for about 1.5 years. We are in a power dynamic relationship, he being the Dom. We both have ADHD. He was also the only person in my life that knew I was going into this conversation.After the I talked with my manager to give notice, we had the following text exchange:Blacked out part is my manager's nameWe didn't speak again until about an hour ago and ultimately had a ~30 minute argument about this. I feel hurt and upset because it feels like he shut me down before even gauging how things went.I said something akin to "It could've gone so horribly I was at that moment on the edge of a bridge about to jump off, but you didn't even care to find out". And I felt upset frustrated that he completely closed the door to any conversation before caring to even know what the stakes were.In his mind, it "isn't realistic for me to expect him to be available 24/7 or drop everything at a moment's notice" and he genuinely didn't have any bandwidth to even "be curious" to find that out, he barely could get up to close the blinds. He also mentioned he is on a new medication and the past few days is feeling burnt out by the end of the day. He also thinks if I knew I was going into a hard conversation, I should have communicated with my support network to make sure I had someone available to talk when I needed it.I don't disagree with this sentiment with the caveat that 1) not everything like this is planned, sometimes you do just need that kind of support, 2) depending on the relationship, I don't think the expectation that you would at least engage in a minimal way giving he knew the stakes of what was going on is crazy or unrealistic.I ultimately felt really alone and abandoned and like the person I wanted to be there for me wasn't. I also think I was really trying to focus on:The fact that he slammed the door closed before I even had an opportunity to ask for anything or communicate any needsThe fact that the power dynamic makes it feel impossible to overcome a slammed doorHe recommended using my safe word but frankly half the issue is me feeling like he doesn't care about meI am/was not trying to put a value judgement on whether or not one should or shouldn't have this expectation or that, I think it is frankly all dependent on any one dynamic/relationship, but I don't think it is crazy or abnormal for me to have expected him to engage or at least be curious about understanding where I was at. And ultimately it could just be I need/want a partner that can give me that.I am also empathetic to the change in medication (I have experienced similar things), and would be fine if we said that is what happened this time. But the justifying of the behavior beyond that or that this just all about me not communicating on a basic level feels frustrating.He on the other hands keeps going back to the fact that I wasn't communicative, but ultimately he didn't leave me any room to communicate (short of knocking down the damn door) and we just keep going in circles on this point.I am also frustrated at myself, why do I expect this from him when I wouldn't from anyone else in my life. If my sister didn't respond for 24 hours in this scenario (and I hadn't previously asked her for support at X time), I certainly wouldn't be angry. I also know my sister wouldn't send a text like this but maybe that part doesn't matter, idk
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