full image - Repost: Baby steps towards reconciling? (from Reddit.com, Baby steps towards reconciling?)
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I originally posted a DDay post in the surviving infidelity subreddit, but most comments received are "leave him." I wanted to reconcile but at the time was very conflicted. Now that I'm more focused on trying to reconcile with him, I felt that this subreddit would be a better fit to share. Since that post, I've had time to truly think and clear my head. I love my partner so very much and we have made serious plans for the future. He has always been my support and my best friend. My primary goal is to reconcile, but I have rules that he needs to follow for me to be willing to do it. I'll write my rules at the bottom so that no one has to go to my other post to see them. If you'd like to know the full DDay 4 story, it's the only other text post on my profile since I don't know if sharing a link is allowed. It's titled "I found out that he did it again..." If it is allowed, I'll edit this post to add it in.I have been with my WP for 5 years now. 4 of them were long distance. We celebrated our anniversary last month. I've had a total of 3 DDays and I thought that things would get better since we had finally closed the distance. DDay 4 was the 6th of this month. It has been incredibly hard to deal with but I noticed that I feel a lot more apathetic to it all this time around. I had a panic attack when I confirmed it but other than that, I've barely cried and feel almost numb. I guess that means that I'm half checked out of the relationship? I'm not entirely sure. Is this something that people normally feel after? If he doesn't follow my rules, I'm very prepared to leave. We have nothing legally binding us so that means that he actually has to work to earn my trust back. He doesn't want me to leave. He immediately ended it with the person after I found out and did plead with me a bit to stay with him. When I confronted him about this current affair, I had told him how I was planning on leaving him and moving back. I did make it sound more urgent than it was but I truly was planning to do so. I think hearing that caused him to realize that he may actually lose me and he immediately wanted to do everything in his power to fix this. The past couple of days are showing that he seems more than willing to take the steps. And as long as he keeps this energy for our whole relationship, I do think it can be fixed and we can move past this.Another one of my questions is, are these rules okay for me to implement? I've kind of told him in words what I wanted from him in order for me to try to stay and repair our relationship but I don't know if it's too harsh or if I should be adding more rules. Everything is just a bit overwhelming at the moment but I'm trying my best to upkeep these current rules/boundaries. It's something I've never done before so it's harder than I thought.My rules if he didn't want me to leave ended up being as follows:No touching unless I initiate. This has changed slightly as my love language is touch. He's not allowed to touch me sexually unless I initiate, but him resting his hand on me or holding me does help me regulate.He needs to tell his friends what happened. We're a very "fairytale" looking couple when we're with others and having that sudden shift will brings questions that I really don't feel like answering.He has told them. They were supportive of us both as they know the primary goal is reconciling, but they talked to me on their own and told me that if I ever needed anything, to let them know. He must find a therapist, both individual (for himself) and a couple's therapist, by the end of the year (Dec 31st), even if the appointment won't be until next year.This is the main deciding factor on whether or not I will continue in this relationship. I've already found evidence of him looking for them using his insurance. I would like for the therapist to find some hope that we could rebuild and create a loving and fulfilling relationship, but that may not be the case and we have to be prepared for that as well. So if they deem it unsalvageable, I most likely will not stay. He is aware of this.I am allowed full access to his phone at all times, for any reason. I won't ask for it 24/7 or anything of the sort, but the second he argues with me over looking at it, I will leave the relationship. I have access to the phone plan now so I can see who he is messaging/calling most times so it's not as if he can truly hide things from me anymore. It's more of the concept. He has to show through actions how sorry he is. He has to put in the work to earn my trust and allow me to trust him again at my own pace. I have asked if he was willing to spend a lifetime earning my trust and within a millisecond he responded "if that's what it takes." Now it's up to him to upkeep that. He has to step up in this relationship and show that he's willing to put in more effort.I appreciate anyone who read until the end and if you have any advice for how to deal with what I'm feeling or if it's normal or not, or any advice on the rules I have, please share it. It may sound like I've got everything together, but I still feel a bit lost. I also want to add that I will be searching for a therapist for myself as well but since my insurance will change come the new year, I have to wait until the 1st of January. My new insurance is a lot more picky on who is in network, unfortunately.
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