full image - Repost: Do (M29) Boyfriend and I(F27) Have a Chance if He's Just Starting His Career? (from Reddit.com, Do (M29) Boyfriend and I(F27) Have a Chance if He's Just Starting His Career?)
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I met my boyfriend about 5 months ago on a dating app. He is the sweetest, most caring and gentle person I have probably ever met. We have many shared values and he loves me so well.We live about a 4 hour drive apart which is hard, but we make it work and take turns visiting each other about once a month. Despite coming from different ethnic/cultural backgrounds, we also fit in really well with each other's families. We have had a few miscommunications, but they have only made us stronger as a couple. Even though it has only been 5 months, we both are dating to marry (courting, you could say) so while we are having fun getting to know each other, we also take the relationship fairly seriously.As a little background, I have a degree and work full time at a not-for-profit. I am have been at my current company for a couple of years now. I only make about $45k CAD (33k USD), but this is my first job out of school, and I mainly took this job to get some experience in the field. Now that I have a couple years of experience, I am applying to other jobs and the salaries for the jobs I qualify for are around $60-80k. I haven't made the move to a new position yet, but I just recently landed an interview for a $80k position, so I expect to increase my salary in the next few months and continue increasing my salary throughout my career.When we first started talking in May, I asked him what he does for a living. He told me he worked at a jewelry store part-time (minimum wage plus commissions), but was going to be starting school in the fall for hairstyling and eventually wants top open his own salon. That gave me pause, because I was under the impression that stylists don't make very much money and I am dating to marry so I want to be with someone financially stable. When I looked into hairstyling as a profession, however, I saw that stylists can actually earn a really good living - even making upwards of six figures. I decided to move forward with getting to know him. I'm glad I did. He treats me so well and is the most patient and gentle person.My boyfriend is not very involved in the beauty/fashion world. He can dress well when needed and dresses nicely for work, but he is a country boy. In his leisure time, he just wears whatever is practical - usually a tshirt and basketball shorts. Everything about him is practical. The clothes he wears, his haircut, the way he schedules his time. His priority is things simply functioning well, which I quite like about him, but that's obviously not conducive to a career in hair styling so I did think it was odd that he was pursuing that as a career. I mean, he uses a 5-in-1 wash in the shower. As in, he does not have separate shampoo, conditioner, body, and face wash. Before he started his program last month, my friend had asked him if he had experience doing hair. I had kind of just assumed that he did. It's the kind of profession people usually go into because they have a passion for the beauty industry. He said that he had no experience. I asked him if he cuts his own hair, and he said that he never has. I asked him if he had looked into any techniques or watched any Youtube videos, and he said that, based on his learning difficulties, he didn't want to look into it too much because he didn't want anything to conflict with what he learns in school. I thought it was odd to just go into the program blind, but what he said made sense to me so I let it go. I had asked earlier on in the relationship what he had been doing for the last 10 years since graduating high school. He told me that he had tried out several different college and university programs. Ultimately, none of them aligned with his learning style and he dropped out of all but one. He attributed it, in part, to having ADHD. He is a very intelligent and well-spoken individual. I could listen to him talk all day. He did very well in high school, academically, but started to struggle in post-secondary and it took him a while to get his footing. Despite all of this, he has managed to remain debt-free, which I applaud him for. I, unfortunately have about $30K owing in student loans, having paid off about $10K so far.Recently I brought up the topic of his academic career again. The one program he did complete was a short two-month program in a sort of construction-like trade earlier this year. When I asked him why he isn't working in that field currently, he said that he hadn't realized after completing the program that for that specific job, you can't just go into it right out of school and have to first do general labour, which he is unable to do due to back issues. He was frustrated when he learned this information, but I couldn't understand why he only found that out after completing the program. When I asked him if he had researched the career path for that job, he said he hadn't really looked into it. I thought, "Ok, I can have grace. After all, when I started university at age 18 I hadn't done much research into a career path." I figured something like that would be a learning lesson, a mistake you only make once. I asked him if he had looked into what a career path might look like for hairstyling, and he said he actually hadn't looked into it that much. He had just looked at some of the basic information like average salary. He had looked more into how to open a salon business (to his credit, as that is his end goal). All of my reasonable doubt when out the window. I had looked into what it takes to become a successful hairstylist. Essentially, you have to work your butt off. It's the kind of industry where you can make nothing or you can make a lot, but it comes down to what you put into it. You have to keep up on trends and constantly take new courses and network yourself. Where we live, it takes one year of school, followed by a year long apprenticeship, and then it takes 3-5 years to build a clientele. Since it takes a while to build a client base, you kinda have to have an idea of where you'll want to live for the next several years, because you have to start over any time you move to a new city. Right now, he lives in a small town with not very many salons. I felt frustrated that I was even having to say all of this. Like, why was I informing him about his own career?It's not like he is totally clueless. He told me he figures that after he completes the program, he will rent a chair in a salon and start building his clientele and start building his career. He has already been networking with people in his community and with hair stylists friends of his. He also changed his social media profile picture from a silly photo of him to something more professional-looking. He told me that he's already come to terms with the fact that, even though we've both said we'd be willing to move to be with the other person, that he would probably end up moving to where I live (big city).So far, he's been doing well in the program. He has aced his test and quizzes, but he did tell me that he always does well at the start of his program. He is thinking of taking on less hours at work if things become too difficult to manage, which I am in support of. School is the priority.What frustrates me is that it seems like he has once again jumped into another college program without researching it prior. I was able to have grace when I assumed he had a plan, because I know that you can make a good living as a stylist and hoped he would put in the work it takes to make that happen. Now, I question whether he will have the ambition to do well in the industry, although he says he does. It's just that there isn't a great track record, you know? I did talk to him about this and told him that something I need in order to move forward in the relationship is for him to have a career plan. I.e. a salary goal, networking on social media, etc. And I told him I need to see those plans in action. He was very understanding, and said what I asked makes total sense. He is a very understanding and humble person, by the way. Any time I bring up a need that isn't being met in the relationship, he immediately makes the necessary change and is consistent.He recently told me that he spoke with his program coordinator about setting up a time to go over how to plan a career in hairstyling, but the coordinator told him that they will go over that in class. I am happy that he took that step, but I need him to not just wait until it is covered in class. I need him to do his own research and figure out at least an idea of what his career path will look like.I am not a materialistic person by any means. One thing my boyfriend and I connected on is enjoying the simple things in life. We both grew up relatively poor and we both don't need very many "things" to make us happy. I do not desire to live a lavish lifestyle and highly value things like work/life balance, but I am determined not to be poor. I worry that if I stay with him, I might be signing up for several years of struggle at the start. I would personally be ready (financially and mentally) to get engaged in the next year or two, but I wouldn't want to get married unless we are both financially stable, which wouldn't be for at least another few years. He agrees that he wouldn't propose unless he was settled into his career.He lives at home and is currently being supported by his mom who earns a good living, but I struggle with that as well. We both come from cultures where it is the norm to live at home until you get married and move out with your spouse, so I don't have an issue with him living at home. I live at home, too. The housing market is also ridiculous in our province right now, and many of my young colleagues also live at home to save money. My issue is that he relies on his mom financially and will ask her for money if needed. I also grew up with a single mom who I still live with and I have worked hard to make sure I can help her out. I pay rent and help out financially as much as I can. When we've talked about this, he has told me that he obviously wishes things were different and that he wasn't still being supported by his mom, but his family is very interconnected and they support each other with whatever anyone needs. In seasons of life where he has had more income, he has contributed more to the household. For example, his mom was ill last year and he received several thousand dollars on his tax return, he gave all of it to her to cover household expenses. His mom also has no issue supporting him and is very supportive of him starting his career. What little money he does get, he has no issue using to help his family if needed.I've had a hard time with this because I think I have a slightly more traditional mindset than he does. We both grew up with single moms, but for me, I haven't asked my mom for a dime since I got my first job at 17. I feel like, especially as a man, he should be helping to support his mom, not being supported by her. I understand that this is a difference in our worldview sand it's not that either of us is wrong or right, but maybe it makes us incompatible. It's kind of a touchy subject for us and he is usually nervous to tell me when he has received money from his mom because he knows I value a man being a provider. He says that he wants to be a provider for his family (future and current) and that his main motivation for getting through the program is me and wanting to provide for me and our family if we make it to that point. But at one point, he had said to me we might have to live with one of our families for a while to save up if we get married, to which I replied, "Absolutely not." So, he said we'd find another way to make it work lol (for context, we are followers of Jesus and are remaining abstinent until marriage so we won't be living together until marriage).He also contributes to the household in other ways, like caring for his nieces and nephews who live there, driving his mom and sister around when needed. They really do live a very interconnected life and rely on each other heavily, which is beautiful to see. He is a wonderful father figure to his sister's kids, which is one of the things that attracts me to him. He helps them at the drop of a hat. Most recently, he gave up his bed so one of the kids could have a bed to sleep in. He slept on a mattress and box spring on the floor for a while until he was able to get a new bed frame. He does things like that often, without a second thought.I have grace for his ADHD because I know how hard it can make school, but he's had over 10 years since being out of high school to figure out. I have ADHD and was only diagnosed last year, meaning I went through all of my post-secondary education with no support or medication for it. I was incredibly difficult for me, but I did it because I had to. I had to be able to help my mom out and I couldn't just be another statistic, so it's hard for me to understand why he didn't feel that same motivation to have things figured out by now.I could see us having a beautiful life together. We'd spend our evenings going for walks and raise a group of rambunctious kids. He is wise, kind, loyal, generous, and a good leader. He is strong, yet gentle. He makes friend with strangers everywhere we go. He brings me flowers and writes me letters. His friends and family speak highly of him. He is a man of integrity and an excellent communicator. i've learned so much from him about how to function in a healthy relationship. I don't want to lose him, but it often feels like the odds are not in our favour.Now that we have spoken about my concerns with his lack of direction, I decided to give it until the end of the year, at which point I will decide if there's a way forward together or if to end things. I wonder sometimes if it's the right person, wrong time? Like, if I had met him 2 years from now, would things be different? But, I saw a post yesterday that said it's never the wrong time for the right person because the right person makes you re-think your plans and adjust them. I'm wondering what an outsiders perspective on the situation would be? Do you think it makes sense to wait it out a bit longer? Should I give it more time? I wouldn't want to lose out on being with the love of my life because of timing. Or does it sounds more like misaligned values?
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