full image - Repost: The journey begins I guess? (from Reddit.com, The journey begins I guess?)
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Hi all, Im a long time lurker of this sub and thought it was about time I posted here. Unfortunately things are a bit out of control for me at the moment and I'm in need of advice/support. Buckle up because it's a bit of a read. Tldr at the bottom.To keep the back story as short as possible - my younger sister passed away a month ago, suddenly and quite horrifically. She was 19. This is the 4th immediate family member I've lost (3 within 7 years now), the others being my mother, father and step father. I'm 29f if that's relevant. I have few friends, and those I do have aren't close by or are dealing with their own shit, so my support network is minuscule. Prior to this loss I drank 1-2 drinks, maybe 3-4 days a week max. I thought this was already bad enough tbh. I would say I've probably been an alcoholic for the last 1.5 years but I wasn't doing it daily or nearly as much as now. I feel like it's my only escape from the harsh reality I'm living in. I've had a drink pretty much every day since I got the news. Sometimes I don't even make it past 1pm. I do have a partner who I live with and he has been supportive, but he works a lot (runs a business) and he has a hobbie where he's gone a lot in the evenings, and sometimes mornings. At the moment I'm working 1-3 days a week. My job is to support people so I find myself emotionally exhausted at the end of the day since the accident.So far I've started trying to learn music and a language to keep me distracted. I try and watch movies and tv, but almost everything reminds me of her. I didnt realise how much media contained car accidents until now. To combat that im watching a lot of sci-fi for the moment. My mind is just going all the time. While trying to do anyhting, even just being awake, it's a constant stream of inner monologue, memories and intrusive visual thoughts. Sleep is no better (when I get it) because I have horrible dreams due to a medication I'm on to quit smoking.Other things I've looked into/tried is grief counselling groups (yet to attend but looking into it), contacting extended family when struggling (they've never really been a part of my life since 14 though), calling Lifeline for support (I'm in Australia for context), meditation and stretching, and smoking some weed to try and calm my mind when all else fails. I also got a script for vallium which doesn't really help a whole lot, but I use it when I'm very anxious or have that knot in my chest.Another thing I think is important to the post and might highlight my struggle/give more context is my diagnosis of BPD. In saying that, I did intensive 1 on 1 therpay and group DBT therapy for a year when I was still a teenager, and it changed my life for the better. I've been steadily employed since, have studied an undergraduate in psychology with distinctions, and have healthy relationships within my small circle. However, anyone that knows about BPD will be aware of the abandonment side of things, and oh boy do I feel alone.I know what I need to do to logically, but it's like my brain and body are fighting each other. I'll be on the phone actively saying i want to try and handle this the right way as I'm pouring a drink. I feel like I'm at a crossroads now. It's either I pull my shit together or I don't. I want to pull my shit together. Any advice, guidance, resources or opinions anyone could offer would be amazing. Sorry for the long read, I just wanted to give as much context as possible. I'm willing to answer any questions regarding the above if it's helpful in understanding something or if it gives more context. Thanks in advance. Tldr; my sister passed away and the alcohol is getting the better of me. Looking for advice.
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