full image - Repost: Giftedness and severe ocd (from Reddit.com, Giftedness and severe ocd)
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Hello, 25M, was diagnosed gifted by the age of 4 wisc-r - both of my parents are physicians so it was kinda easy to get a hold of the docs. I dropped out of middle school, got my HS diploma remotely, and got into 4 different uni BAs, dropping each the same year. Right now I’m in the middle of starting my own startup with a huge support from some intl companies and zero excitement. I’ve been dealing with HOCD and several other sexual obsessions by the age of 11, my family was and is supportive but I didn’t have the courage to tell them until the pandemic. The psychiatrist sessions never worked for me - I was into ACT and phil of science way too much, and most of my therapists ceased the sessions with mutual consent and but we’re still in touch - mostly revolving around ACT and other mindfulness stuff, and the supervision programs around here etc.OCD runs deep down in my family - I know for a reason both my uncle and my father had similar phases of life. 6 months ago - I just couldn’t sleep because of the idea of my life was practically wasted by OCD - eczama and scars around my hands and feet over showering at least 4 times a day after masturbation for the last 10 years and exhausted from cleaning my apartment at least for 4-5 hours a day for the last year of my life. And knowing about all the HOCD stuff, sincerely knowing I was not gay, it somehow shifted into the shame of being (more like labeling myself) a paraphiliac and wasting my life. The idea of having sex with a guy meant there would be no other choice than acceptance, it would have meant I HAD to shift from the OCD point of view and set of rules.So hooked up with a man I’ve met online haven’t known more than 15 minutes. It wasn’t a sexual pleasure. it was a bodily sensation neither good or bad, something just mechanic and I was somehow in a catatonic state unable to say a word. Nowhere near what I had with women - no excitement, erection, sexual urges or comfort in any sense. It was just the pleasure of the false idea of reaching the end of the ocd. It didn’t work, started showering with house cleaning products, taking prep, becoming nothing but suicidal. And “the end of the OCD” thing has also shifted from having sex to having sex again but being mindful and not closing my senses. And I somehow resist but I am still afraid the same thing with the exact same feelings will happen again. 6 months passed - nothing has changed, moved my house, a new job opportunity, and no will to fight. And I’ve lived a fulfilling life - met all of the celebrities I’ve ever adored - attended concerts, built a huge network but all is nothing but a headache that would lead to a huge huge burnout if I keep the same pace. I’m tired with my life.expecting my friends to understand was the worst - lost two of my best friends as they never believed in ocd but received support from the one’s I never expected. And as a side note - always felt deeply connected to the simpson’s episode - homer’s phobia. I wouldn’t call myself homophobic, I’ve been forcing myself to draw a line over the effects my own experience and the individuality of others and always felt guilty towards the gay community even though I wasn’t vocal in any sense. But seeing lgbt people with Straight ocd’s somehow relieved it. The reason I am writing this is I’m quite helpless - and it’s so exhausting to keep up with my life, seems I’ve lived it all and there is not much extend left in life to go to. I’m glad to be alive, and don’t have any suicidal intention except in a less serious manner. And I wonder if giftedness and abstract/postmodern (the curiosity for or testing oneself by taking things out of context to see if it “makes” me something as long as I am the authority and how to convince yourself and others) OCD thoughts somehow overlap and what therapy model fits best. Because ACT seems to be a burden as long as I’m fascinated with the model and semantics against the stiff dynamics of sociology.And sorry for the overly untidy text - I too sleepy to stress the formatting, just writing what comes to my mind. It’s a cross post for r/hocd and r/gifted.
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