full image - Repost: 36F with 38M partner (PhD) who’s been mostly unemployed/underemployed for ~3 years. I want kids and stability. Do I stay, accept uncertainty, or leave? (from Reddit.com, 36F with 38M partner (PhD) who’s been mostly unemployed/underemployed for ~3 years. I want kids and stability. Do I stay, accept uncertainty, or leave?)
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I’m 36F, he’s 38M. We’ve been together for 32 months. He has a PhD in pharmacology/immunology and did a 3-year postdoc plus 1 year in industry before being laid off in Jan 2023. Since then, the pattern has been long stretches of unemployment with brief detours into jobs that aren’t really in his field (about 24 months unemployed and ~8 months underemployed as a summer school teacher and then an event planner). He recently was laid off again from the event planner job due to lack of NIH funding. He’s been jobless again for two months now and keeps applying, networking 2–3 times a week, and occasionally interviewing, but nothing has turned into an offer.I’ve tried to be supportive while also being realistic. I encouraged him to take any work in the meantime since the past 32 months - Uber, or a position at a private pathology diagnostic lab to fill the CV gap (they do research, too). I also suggested broadening his pharma/biotech search to different roles and locations across the U.S. He declined those ideas, saying he wanted scientist role and only on the East Coast. I understand having standards and a vision, but the market is rough and it’s been almost three years of instability.One genuinely good development is that I suggested he pursue the ASCP Molecular Biology technologist certification, and he studied, passed the exam, and earned the credential. I was proud of him. Unfortunately he still hasn’t been able to land a hospital technologist job. I also persuaded him to apply for another academic role (outside his exact niche). He did apply, but given his limited experience in that subfield, he probably won’t get in this cycle.We also live in a high cost-of-living city, which makes the financial pressure very real. Financially, he’s not irresponsible. He has >$300k in investments and about $50k in savings. We split costs evenly since the past 32 months; he sometimes paid for meals and can afford to travel. Back when I was a resident, he even helped me cover a few small expenses. He’s also a genuinely good person - stable, kind, loyal, and very supportive. The problem is that I’m now a physician at a top hospital, and I want marriage and kids soon. I don’t want a stay-at-home husband as my parents are willing to help take care of my future kids; I want a partner with a stable income and a sense of forward motion in his career. With his narrow job criteria and the state of the market, I don’t know how we’d build a family without me carrying all the stability. The uncertainty is making me anxious and affecting my mental health, so we’re temporarily separated while I try to get clarity.I’m torn. Part of me wants to accept the uncertainty and trust that something will eventually click, because he really is a good partner in every other way. Another part of me feels like I’ve been waiting and hoping for too long, and that his refusal to broaden the search or take interim work is a values mismatch about responsibility and teamwork. At 36, my timeline for kids isn’t abstract anymore. I don’t know if I should stay and adjust my expectations, try for kids without marriage, push for specific milestones and timelines, or walk away and look for someone whose life is more aligned with mine right now.If you’ve been in a similar situation - either staying and starting a family despite a partner’s unstable career, or leaving because of it - how did it play out? Is it reasonable to end a relationship over long-term employment instability and unwillingness to adapt, even when the person is loving and supportive? If you stayed, what made it workable? If you left, how did you make peace with the decision? I’m open to hard truths; I don’t want to punish him for a brutal job market, but I also don’t want to build a future on hope alone.
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