full image - Repost: Is it too late at 30 to build a support system from scratch if you never had one growing up? How can I actually do this? Does anyone have any stories of having successfully done this? (from Reddit.com, Is it too late at 30 to build a support system from scratch if you never had one growing up? How can I actually do this? Does anyone have any stories of having successfully done this?)
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I’m nearly 30, and I feel like I’m existing on the outside edge of other people’s lives. A destructive voice in my head keeps telling me that it's too late; what I don't have by now I never will.I’ve been trying to understand why this keeps happening, and I don’t think it’s just about 'putting yourself out there' or 'making more effort'. It feels like a much bigger, interconnected problem.A lot of people grow up with a foundation; supportive parents and a built-in social network that carries into adulthood. I didn’t have that. My parents were abusive and I have been low-contact with them for the past six years. My mother herself is very socially isolated and she never had friends either. And when that’s your model growing up, it does shape you. You don’t just magically develop the same social grounding as someone who grew up surrounded by stable relationships.So instead of being set up with a foundation, I was dealing with instability and survival mode. And I think that follows you into adulthood in ways people don’t really acknowledge.Because when you reach adulthood without that base, you’re not just 'a bit behind', you find yourself trying to build everything from scratch, while everyone else is continuing something that already exists.And society doesn’t really provide an alternative. It assumes you already have:- family support - a social network - some kind of continuity If you don’t, you’re just expected to create it yourself from nothing.But here’s the issue I keep running into:By the time you’re around 30, most people already have their circles well-established. They have close friends, often a best friend, usually people they’ve known for years; school, university, long-term connections.Those roles are already filled.So when you meet someone new, the only space available is usually a peripheral one. You’re not central, not essential, just someone on the edge of their life. Disposable. A third wheel. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be a third wheel or someone who’s easily forgotten. I want to actually matter in someone’s life.But it feels like there’s no real space left for that, because everyone already has 'their person'. And so I’m genuinely wondering...is 30 too late for this? Because at 16 or 17, there’s still a chance people are forming those bonds. But by 30, it feels like everyone already has a best friend, or at least a solid group. Where do you fit if you don’t?Another layer to this is the stigma around being estranged from your parents. A lot of people find it weird or uncomfortable when you say you’re not in contact with them, because for them, family is their main support system. They assume closeness with parents is the default, so when you don’t have that, it’s seen as unusual or even a red flag. It’s like you’re quietly judged or othered for something that wasn’t really a choice in the first place. And it reinforces that feeling of being outside, because not only do you lack that support, but you’re also navigating a social world that doesn’t really understand or accommodate that reality.I’ve tried all the usual suggestions people give:- Joining groups/clubs - Volunteering - "Just putting yourself out there" - Making friends through apps like Bumble BFF And honestly, it hasn’t worked. The same problem keeps coming up. Most people already have their own support systems and aren’t really looking for anything deeper.And apps like Bumble BFF…it feels completely random. It’s hard to find anyone you genuinely connect with, and a lot of it feels like surface-level interactions that go nowhere. It doesn’t solve the underlying issue, which is that real, meaningful roles in people’s lives already seem to be taken.On top of that, I’ve spent my twenties in unstable work, financial stress, housing uncertainty, and that makes everything worse. I’m still navigating these things as well. You’re not even fully participating in life in the same way others are, which just adds another layer of isolation.And because I’ve been overlooked or left out a lot growing up, it’s also affected how I experience friendships. If I do get close to someone and then see them getting close to someone else, I can’t help thinking, "Am I about to be replaced?" And that fear doesn’t feel irrational because I’ve seen it happen, both to me and to others.So I feel stuck in this position where:- I didn’t have the foundation most people build from - I’m expected to create a support system from scratch - most people already have established, closed circles - the only available roles feel peripheral - and even when I connect with someone, it’s hard to trust that it will last I don’t want to live like this long-term, isolated, on the outside, feeling like there’s no real place for me.I guess what I’m asking is: Has anyone else experienced this? And realistically, is it actually possible to build a real friendship, like a best friend, not just acquaintances, at this stage in life if you’re starting from nothing?If anyone has any stories of successfully achieving this and went through similar circumstances, please let me know.
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