full image - Repost: I was raped in December, and I still can't get over it. (from Reddit.com, I was raped in December, and I still can't get over it.)
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I was subjected to a brutal assault. A large and powerful man turned a consensual encounter in one where I was choked unconscious over and over again. He said to do this, and do that. I'm a small chick... so yeah, I did what the man said.In spite of this, in spite of DNA evidence, testimony, half my face bruised black, my neck bruised, pictures of all of this, the prosecutors here in Germany are saying that there is not enough suspicion to press charges. Because he showed them pictures and a video of me doing what he told me to do, it was obviously consensual.I'm still dumbfounded that evidence of the rape itself is being used as evidence against the rape. I'm dumbfounded he can say he never hit me or choked me despite the very clear pictures from the day after, in the hospital.It is all I can think of. I just stop everything, standing and staring at a blank spot. The train I took that day. Every man that resembles him. I have a brain injury from it, and can't remember what happened two days ago quite often. Or even later in the same day. My friends have been angels and work around it.You know how you sometimes are playing a videogame, and it gets hard? So you just quit. You just get out of it. Easy fix. I keep thinking that about this mess. But there is no easy out.I can't enjoy romantic moments. Food. Nature. There is not a single thing I can do that doesn't have me thinking about the rape and the results of it behind what else is happening. Every time I'm anywhere I'm paranoid, looking to see if the rapist is following me.I do not know how one person can do this to someone else... and get away with it. I don't know how to heal when the court is jerking me around like this. Idk how to move on.Yes I'm in therapy. Yes I'm on pills. Yes I have an expansive support network. Yes it all helps, tremendously, but not enough.Edit: the part that's the worst... is not being okay. As the new norm. But I can't keep telling my friends that I'm like this. If I want to live, and move on, I have to pretend like everything is ok. I can't tell people... or it puts them down. It is best to play along. But hell. Not okay.
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