full image - Repost: I can see the end of the road more often now. (from Reddit.com, I can see the end of the road more often now.)
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I figure the depressed people in this sub would understand this.There's thousands of things each of us could be doing each day, but we don't do them because they bring us nothing; just another movement, getting up to put something back, going to the store for food, coming back, eating it (doesn't really matter what it was). Maybe we have nice pots and pans to make a really good meal but why bother?At the same time it sucks to eat crappy food all the time, but the flipside isn't true: it doesn't feel good to go through all the trouble of making a meal--even if it should, it feels like nothing at all, at best. So you don't.Now apply that to just about every scenario... there's a loss of reason to do anything at all.Repeat that over enough years and observe it and it starts to break down everything and anything else that might have brought you joy over time, because it stops making any sense that things should feel good.Why should they? It's just things you do. They aren't inherently good; there's no real reason for doing them, so why should they feel like anything but empty movement, pointless action? Kind of stupid to expect or hope otherwise.Even if I could take a pill to make things feel great all of a sudden. Even if I "did the work" to get to a happier state of mind. Why? Who would I be doing this for, me? Alone? Or for the secondary prospect of having to bend in 150 ways that aren't me just to make random people happy when that's never been given me? I think I've never had the good fortune of meeting people I could truly get along with, or like, or who'd like me back.There's valid reasons why therapists try to get us to build a support network, but how could the simple presence of people around you (who'll eventually get sick of your nonsense unless you hide, because you're defective of course) help? Support networks are supposed to be those who love us and want the best for us. If you don't have that, for any reason, you're screwed.So now that we're here with no real memory of how things used to be enjoyable, and no way to keep a bad mood above water... what's left to feel is hurt, pain, the stuff that never goes away and doesn't really "break down" if you look at it too much (unfortunately).Tell me, is there any possible way to want to stay alive in this condition?I think it makes sense that it went down this way. It was always going to with the life I had, or tried to have despite abuse. I tried, I can really say that, but not everyone among the billions who have lived and died in the past 50,000 years managed to keep themselves alive and happy even if they tried hard--why should I be any different.I could slow the process down by sticking my head in the sand. But life keeps happening at you and at some point I took notice of how shitty things were (thanks, ex-therapist who left me in that state and couldn't help me for shit after that.) It made everything go wayyyy faster into the dark.I think my life expectancy is less than a decade now. I had a plan to call it quits in about twenty years, now I can't stand the thought of having to be like this for that long. I don't even know if I'd make it five, but I have a cat, and I don't want her to suffer from having to be rehomed again since we're kind of joined at the hip.Ever since I was little I could never imagine a future for myself (never had any dreams), I learned this happened because of abuse. Now the reason why is because it doesn't make sense to keep on living. My life's never made sense and somehow I've never made the correct decisions to fix things. Ok... I can accept that. Or maybe living requires way more sacrifice than I'll ever be willing to make considering the people who were supposed to sacrifice for me never did and instead, demanded more of me than they should have.I wake up, this state of mind is almost the first thing I think of. I go to bed after contemplating for all of my free time that day, "how can I change this" and I come up empty except for "reinvent yourself as someone you aren't", "have a different set of parents", "make different mistakes", or just "be different" which is really equivalent to dying: death is the built-in "reset" we're all given after all.I just moved and the move was supposed to help with my mental health since I wasn't in a great place to live. I think I'm too far gone to benefit from it though. :(I think I'm going to find out what happens to people in my situation soon enough.It's not like I'll stop trying to figure this out, but it looks like I'm trying to invent a fix or a solution that isn't there, more and more. And once I realize it's really not going to happen... it'll be time to go.
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